If every woman would wear refrigerating underwear to cool down their little vaginas, it would help global warming. All these little hot vulvas are just radiating heat into outer space. Plus, probably a whole lot of pheromones, too. There’re probably aliens out there just sniffing around, trying to find out where this is coming from. 

Plus if all these women cooled down their little hot boxes, there’d be less heated men trying to procreate. So there’d be fewer babies born. Fewer babies means fewer dead beefs to feed them. Fewer dead beefs means fewer Amazon forests cut down. So you can see, warm vulvas are a major cause of global warming. ‘Course, that still leaves the hot air produced by politicians and TV talking heads. They should be locked into a room. Let them eat each other. 

I should have a kindergarten, and a grade school, and a high school science course. I’d have a college course, but by that time everybody’d be concentrating too much on the hot vulvas to pay attention. 

Of course, hot vulvas do make nice foot warmers on cold winter days. Other things that are going to have to go are hot wheels, a “hot time in the old town tonight”, hot jazz, people saying, “You’re getting warm,” hot prospects, baseball teams getting hot… But mainly, hot sex. I think this is a hot idea. You can call me Mr. Science… 

One thing we are going to have to keep though, which cannot be touched, is hot coffee. There are some things which are sacred. 

This refrigerating underwear, wouldn’t it take fuel? No, it’d be chemical. Like those little sticks you snap and they mix the chemicals and make cool green fluorescent light at concerts. And there’re other sticks you snap to make heat for ice fishermen. It’s all chemical mixtures. So what I propose is that with the two chemicals we need to make cold, we put one on the panties that are manufactured. And then women can just paint their vaginas after showers with the other chemical. So when they put on the panties, the two chemicals will meet, and voila! We’ll have refrigerated vulvas. Kind of like Swedish Vulvas in the winter. 

We also got to change our terminology. We can’t have “hot” babes anymore. We have to have “cool” babes. For women who can’t afford panties, they can insert ice cubes. Of course they’d have to have little drip pans for catching water. Which can be used of course for making tea. 

Or we could harness this vaginal heat. We could heat brothels with it. Get enough of these women together, you could probably heat hot water. This could, of course, always contribute to heated discussions. Just trying to cover all the angles, or in this case, curves. 

We could also try spraying vaginas with liquid insulation. Which could also be made self-absorbing, so it could serve as a monthly menstrual pad as well. Once a month, the insulation would be cracked off, a new application applied, and the broken red pieces assembled into modern art paintings for the museums. Or bagged, and sold as candy. Artistically, this would be known as the “red” period… 

 - Kathy Ireland Smith & Steven B. Smith, December 27, 2006

 

 

christmas poem from kathy’s 80 yr old cleveland grandmother…

Writ by hand! / To those I love – Oh the bleak Midwinter / Softly falls the snow / God’s gift of beauty / For us it doth glow / Feel the wind, it gently cheers us / Adding pleasure to our hearts / Feel it now, e’er it departs us / Comes the Spring, then Summer starts

when kathy’s granny first heard my gravelly voice on the phone, the first thing she asked when kathy got on was if i were black… when the age thing came up, kathy told her i was in my fifties – which was technically true cuz i was still 5 months from 60. i’m 20 years younger than granny, 27 years older than kathy. maybe i should ask grandma out – this all resembles some sorta symbiosis of lolita and john waters’ polyester.

end of december, yet here in croatia they’re still plowing, planting, growing and harvesting crops.

so far the first 200 pages of wuthering heights is more interesting than all 4 volumes of the alexandria quartet combined.  not one boring page. hard to put down.

we’re not going to thailand this february – their hot season starts then.  probably rent a place in southern france instead from the folks we house-sat for in london.  that way we can jot across to barcelona spain and up to paris france (i see paris i see france i see kathy’s underpants). after the hot months in thailand comes the rainy season – in november the cool months start when it only gets up in the 90s… go then.

her morning run is loose dog day aborted jog day imported god day assorted odd way all commodity say common oddity play a clay nay may but we won’t listen to that cuz today is sunshine fat per soaring fun

OFFWORLD

You can grow crystals, pure crystals off world because there’s no gravity. You can also get alloys you can’t get on this world, offworld, because of no gravity. Things mix differently. Some of the intricate belt and sock pattern weaving would be easier offworld because of: lack of gravity.

Plus you could glue things together more easily. Why? Because there’s no gravity. Just stick a little bit of adhesive to something. Attach something else to it, and let it hang there in space. There’s no tension.

The other good thing about offworld is you have endless supplies out there. Asteroid belts and things like that. Machines would work differently, because once again there’s no gravity. So all you’d be working with is tension and friction. Course with the machine, you’d have to have a platform to attach things to.

Another thing you have to worry about though, is whatever you’re manufacturing, you have to give preference to lighter weight products because you have to overcome the gravity well to import them to Earth. It’s easy to get down to Earth but it’s hard to stop. So that’s why they do a lot of socks, and belts, because they’re lightweight.

Another manufacturing concern is employees. Because there’s bone density loss the longer you stay in space. I think the bones lose calcium, I’m not sure. And muscles, of course, atrophy. So you’d either have to employ aliens who’ve adapted to space, or bioforms genetically engineered to work in space, or humans who you would not let come back to Earth, because once they’ve been in space long enough they could not go back to Earth. Their bones would snap. Their muscles would fail.

So quite possibly that’s where all these children are disappearing to. Everybody thinks it’s sex rings, but they’re probably kidnapping all these kids, taking them into space, surgically and genetically modifying them, and then training them to run the machinery. And of course the failures are still used for nefarious purposes.

You’d live longer in space, because again, no gravity. No gravity pulling down your cells. So there’s less cellular stress. And certain sediment deposits inside your body would not occur, because gravity wouldn’t force them to pool in low-lying areas. The heart would beat longer, because it wouldn’t have to pump all the blood UP and around, just AROUND. And sleep would be more restful, because there would be no mattress pushing against you or stress of gravity impacting you. All this keeps coming back to gravity.

So the gravity of the situation in space is less grave.

You wouldn’t have to use hair gels, just comb your hair the way you want, wet. Let it dry. It would tend to stay there.

And technically, by an undiscernible factor, you would age more slowly compared to Earth. Because the faster you go, the slower you age. Even though it would be an undiscernible difference at that height.

Also there’d be psychological problems, because not everybody could adapt to limited space and terrain. And since size does matter, they prefer to take younger children so they can stunt their growth, because there’s space limitations in space. In fact, all these stunted workers in the workshop is probably where the myth of Santa’s Elves came from, because we’ve been manufacturing offworld for millenia.

The original products they made were conceptual. A lot of myth making, Gods, fables, legends. Because originally they were observing their new workers when they started off, and they found out what worked to keep these people in line. They then codified these discovered precepts into worldwide religions and political philosophies. Other products they introduced from space were butterflies and jellyfish and marzipan. Whipped cream also comes from space. And aerosol sprays. And they first discovered microwaves in space when they didn’t shield against the radiation and they accidentally cooked a couple kids. In fact, most people don’t realize the flying saucer crash at Roswell was actually a delivery ship from offworld factories. That’s how Earth technology got transistors and laser theory, which offworld was trying to keep for themselves.

The theory of the laser came up way before they could actually do it. But when they finally got the technology to do it, it turned out to be right. And they got the theory from offworld. There’ve been multiple offworld delivery crashes. That’s how most technological advances have seeped into the Earth culture.

It’s also important to realize there’re two factions of offworld factories. The good guys and the bad guys. The bad guys try to keep the arm sales going and the Rolex watches selling. The good guys keep trying to slip in messages of hope. One of the better good guy’s psychological campaigns to make humans nicer was the Bugs Bunny cartoons. They were trying to counter the bad guy’s Old Testicle. The snake in the Garden of Eden was another attempt to slip a better way into humanity. They were trying to get the Knowledge of Good And Evil to us, whereas the bad guys just merchandised evil and more Rolex watches.

Only the inner components of Rolex are made off world. A lot of the merchandise is actually too heavy to ship down. They just manufacture the crucial lightweight core. For example, computers are made on Earth, but the chips and the programming come from offworld. A lot of really good fiction and poetry is produced offworld, but printed on Earth.

Actually, the aliens are in it for the energy. They’re rather like psychic vampires. Every time you do something bad, or get angry, you release a dark energy that upsets the Earth’s aura. The child stealing aliens harvest this energy, and they condense it, and they lie around at night and get high on it. Every tear and fear and shameful failure of humans gets these evil aliens high. Every good deed and thought and action produces a ray of light energy that actually reinforces the good aliens and damages the evil aliens. Cuz light always vanquishes darkness.

But darkness can kill light. That’s where that myth comes from. For every child who stops believing in fairies, a fairy dies. Fortunately, a very little light can negate a vast sea of darkness. And it takes a humungous amount of nothing to quench the light of very little something. Most fairy tales, good and bad, are produced offworld. And actually, most fairy tales are produced by the bad guys. I mean, most fairy tales are consistent: cheating, lying, stealing, misrepresenting. Outright trickery. Which is actually pretty good education for kids, for life.

The aliens are energy beings. And they can assume any shape required. They’re like psychic chameleons. If you saw an alien on Earth in its natural form, it looks like one of those heat mirages hovering over the road. Like you’re looking at reality through flawed glass. Sometimes you get enough of them together, they can look like fog. The good guys always appear as bright sunshine, or moonlight, or starlight, or the reflections on water. The original legends of fairies came from good guy sightings. And “guy” in this sense comes from “guide,” not male or female. Like “guy line.”

TV programs are the main mass medium for making sheep outta people. To deaden their brains, lower their sights, lessen their good. TV makes you want things that aren’t important. Want things that are bad for you and the planet. That’s the other thing, in addition to being psychic vampires who suck on the pain of bioforms, the evil aliens also use us to kill the planet. Killing the planet would release the largest psychic scream from Mother Earth. Getting high off human misery is like a drink of alcohol but the high of killing Mother Earth would be like a sustained mainline speed rush. Eternal psychic cocaine.

Oh yes, they move through the Universe, killing planets. They come to a young planet. They seed it with early life. Because it takes a long, long time to get consciousness going. And pain without consciousness is just a minor high. So they’ll slowly build up life systems, like the dinosaurs. Then they’ll wipe most of them out all at once, to get high. Then build up the next life system, then wipe it out to get high, all the while, developing consciousness in these ever more complex biosystems. Until finally, they get man and woman to do their work for them, killing and hurting each other. Killing and hurting each animal, each bird, each fish, each plant, each rock and stone and river. And they just harvest all this pain. Eventually they’ll kill the planet, or the light spirits will lead enough people to the right path, in which case the evil ones will flee to the next planet, and start over. It’s an eternal endless battle between light and darkness.

Earth can wipe man. Man can not wipe Earth. The only way to stop Earth would be literally to blow it to pieces. Actually, to turn it to rubble. You could set off every atomic bomb in the world. Wipe out man, poison the atmosphere. A million years from now though, things would still be growing. So even if the evil aliens get man to destroy life on Earth, after they harvest that high, evil moves on. It can’t afford to wait that long to re-seed the Earth and wait for consciousness again. So they move on to their next malfeasance.

- kathy ireland smith & steven b. smith, december 26, 2006

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