AD.

 foto by smith

everything i like to eat just went out the door.  my lab results came back. doctor says my cholesterol is high.  my basic snack has been white bread toast covered in butter smothered in peanut butter drenched in honey.  turns out 4 of the foods i should not be eating are white bread, peanuts, butter, honey.

when my heart went south and decided to skip every 6th beat, my basic diet was coffee, cookies, coffee, candy, coffee, salted peanuts, coffee.  of those 4, i’m allowed 2 cups of coffee a day.

my food in krakow poland was street french fries and mushroom pizza.  gone.  ice cream – gone.  eggs – gone.  red meat – gone. ketchup, mayonnaise, salt, sugar – gone.  pastries – gone.  hot chocolate – gone.  bananas – gone gone gone.

kathy translated the croatian pamphlet from the doctor:
no input of cupboard solids
no meat of gentle rabbits
no offal (brain, liver, suet)
no pig fat

i can eat undefiled apples, blue sea fish, albino chicken, water. 

where does one get undefiled apples these days, outside the garden of eden?  and if a fish were blue, wouldn’t my eating him make him even sadder?

looks like i’ll be losing those 10 pounds i wanted.  thank godz for the 5 day delay in picking up my lab results – gave me 5 more days of guilt-free goodies.  the two visits to the doctor totalled $13 u.s.

reality’s forcing me to become the best me i can be.  kinda cool, actually.  i always wondered what a 100% smith would be like.  i operated around 33% in the old days, 77% lately.  ever up to higher ground.

hunger comes not always from the stomach or blood need.  there is psychological hunger as well. i always eat more when winter comes on, so i can add weight in preparation for the sun’s hibernation.  i eat more when my future seems uncertain job-wise or money-wise or direction-wise, in an effort to store flesh calories now for a coming future lean in food for the flesh.  i eat when i’m bored.  i eat when i’m dissatisfied with myself. and now i’m hungry not only for those reasons, but because i cannot eat what i want when i want, what’s convenient to consume now this minute when my mind sends false signals to my body.  i am hungry on multiple levels.  i must wean my mind, my soul, my spirit, my flesh from need.  the road from here to there is long and rocky and not easily mapped.

foto by smith

courage is not the absence of fear, but the ability to carry on with dignity in spite of it” – Scott Turrow, The Burden of Proof

cut my thumb last night washing the fish knife.  tonight i was extra careful, but it bit my third finger anyway … two bleedings in two nights.  told kathy it wasn’t fair because i was not a fish.  “you are a pisces,” she pointed out.  the fish knife was only doing its job.

dark side seepage … george w bush in his 2007 state of the union lies said “one question has surely been settled — that to win the war on terror we must take the fight to the enemy.”  george w. bush IS the enemy – of the world, of americans, of the constitution, of peace, of honor, of morality, of life – so let’s follow his advice and take the fight to him.  he and cheney are the world’s greatest terrorists.  they’ve done more bombing, killed more people, destroyed more earth, reduced more property to rubble than all the rest of the world’s terrorists combined.  bush says terrorists “preach with threats … instruct with bullets and bombs” – sounds like a fairly accurate description of the cheney bush corporate american foreign policy.  cheney / bush – the axis of evil.  bush / cheney – no lie too small to tell, no oil too far to steal.

foto by smith

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