conformation clues
foto by smith
i’m always anxious to get away from groups of people. for years i thought this was due to my perhaps being an empath - i pick up people’s underlying non-vocalized moods (no thoughts, just mood).
but now i see it may be just that i’m too happy being my own self my own way. it appears when in groups of people, we synchronize our language patterns, brain flow, breathing and pulse rates to those we interact with. in fact, we even lie to ourselves and others about what we actually see in order to attain safe group status (this information comes via researcher Elizabeth Loftus and others - google if curious).
this appears to be the same process which causes women in close proximity to synchronize their menstrual cycles to the strongest woman’s period.
this process of conforming begins immediately with new born babies mimicking sounds and expressions of the parents - and on some basic levels never ceases.
this helps explains why i was such a maverick - my parents were free thinkers who for the most part lived on farms the first 14 years of my life. so in my social isolation, i had few humans to redirect my brain flow when i was vulnerable. my social input came instead from my early endless omnivorous voracious reading. i learned to do right from fiction and fairy tales. and later on, black&white film noir movies (where even bad guys tried to be good).
i ain’t good, but i do try. but what has trying to be good gotten me?
that’s easy - it’s gotten me a lot of good stories about not being good, and the consequences. got me lady k’s love. and it’s kept me alive, because lady’s the one who caught my throat cancer and helped me get my voice back.
anyway, back on point - been a lot of groups of people once or thrice a day for most days past 7 weeks, and i’m dazed. too much redirected brain flow pulse breathing. a lot of smith oozing out without down time to rebuild some smith in between. toss in the cold weather, and i’m starting to think about counting the days left to leaving for mexico. just did. 21. 22 days from now we will be in sun and solitude and isolation and we can begin finishing our book.
even so, socializing does have its perks. had a tasty dinner of salmon, rice pilaf, and an orange/grapefruit sauce with good conversation last night at poet/buddhist/republican/friend steve goldberg’s place. (see, we do have token republican friends). steve has my small bouncing buddha sculpture (below).
LIVIN LIVES ON OLD LIES
I says’m as I sees’m.
Seize not what sold to sum.
Hadn’t done, wouldn’t be.
Do what told be gone.
- Smith & Lady collab 7.30.07
foto by smith
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