foto by smith
wife’s typing my second journal into the computer. i just finished reading the 1st one (31 march 1968 through 28 november 1968). i’ve tried to read these journals before (i have maybe 30 from 1968 through the 1980s), but my immaturity and over-inflated ego always put me off after a few pages, embarrassed me too much – i had trouble accepting my 22 year old selfish self.
but now i see a tremendous repository of honest thought. going to steal a bunch of it for my manuscript.
here’s a taste of 39 year ago self (explanation – Robin became my first wife, Janice was one of my office co-workers):
Oct 19, 1968 â€“ Quite a night last nightâ€¦ started the day off â€“ no, start over: stayed up late Thursday nite smoking some THC â€“ had real wild dreams â€“ Iâ€™ve been having all too real unreal dreams lately â€“ Thursday’s dream we were in a haunted house and some one was telling me not to drink milk or my flesh would rot & fall off. Anyway got up Friday & was tiredâ€¦ so I crushed up my Orbutrion T pep pill and snorted half of itâ€¦ this was fine cept I really crashed around 3 pm â€“ had to drag myself through till 5. Got home and was going to snort the other half of the pill, but decided to try to mainline it instead. Borrowed a needle from Nick (who was staying at Johnâ€™s) (Nick calls it a point) and went back and got a coke cap as a cooker, held it with tweezers, used Listerine as an antiseptic â€“ I had never mainlined myself before, & I really shook. Used a belt as a tourniquetâ€¦ I did it, I pushed that old needle right through my skin & into my little old vein.. felt good â€“ left almost no track. Then I fired Nige & left to pick up Janiceâ€¦ got her, drove back to pick up Nige & Donna â€“ snorted and dropped a cap of THC first, & then went over to see The Electric Circus. They were good â€“ damn good â€“ especially the Mime who first did a thing about being stuck in a glass cage & then grew & rolled a giant joint. The THC never did get me off, & the speed I fired didnâ€™t work more than an hour. sometime during the night I popped a blood vessel in my left ear cause it was full of dried blood â€“ it bled all night. We cut out & went down to my fountain, then back to my place. Nige came back with Donna & I finally had to ask him to leave â€“ then Janice & I made love twice â€“ she racked my shoulders so badly I was bleedingâ€¦ she was having her period & we had blood all over the place â€“ it was nice not having to pull out at the climax. Finally got to bed at 7 & slept till 3 â€“ called Robbie & lied to her â€“ told her I went to dinner with some of my artists & then riding in the rain. Right now Iâ€™m sitting on her bed while sheâ€™s taking a bath â€“ weâ€™ve done nothing but fight since I got here â€“ almost entirely on her part â€¦ sheâ€™s scared stiff cause itâ€™s been 41 days since sheâ€™s had her period. The balloons are hanging from her ceiling â€“ the ones I wrote love notes on Friday so sheâ€™d find them after work Fridayâ€¦ I wanted to give her something to ease my not seeing her Friday night. She has been so bitchy todayâ€¦ sheâ€™s also been throwing real bad 12 year old temper tantrums â€“ I hope sheâ€™s not pregnant because sheâ€™s so far from being mature enough for marriage â€“ much less for being a mother. Right now I donâ€™t even like her or love her â€“ but I go through all the motions â€“ if sheâ€™s pregnant I must marry her, & I donâ€™t want to say anything now I may later regret. Itâ€™s all so useless â€“ Iâ€™m supposedly intelligent yet here Iâ€™m heading towards being another statistic â€“ forced into marriage and maybe having an unhappy one at that and having a forced or unhappy home for my kids to grow up. And then again perhaps marriage and pregnancy will help both of us and weâ€™ll live happily ever after â€“ oddly enough, it is entirely possible.
foto by smith