climb & punishment
Lady K - foto by smith
wife stopped me on stairs, said “This is a toll stairs” and demanded a kiss to pass. i replied (after kissing her of course) “wasn’t Tollstairs the Russian novelist who wrote “Climb & Punishment?”
more recent bad smithisms -
What u want, excuse or use?
Skim new prophet from the old.
Who was that math man?
What’s the agender here?
I’m wiser in my weariness.
2 Wongs don’t make a white.
Each their own being be.
The mind makes light the dark we cannot bear.
my new jones is unfed - wife hasn’t finished typing my 5th journal into her computer, so i have no more old me to read. so weird that my now wife is reading my 40 year old lies, betrayals, and fights with my then wife. and now wife still likes me. ain’t true love grand.
here’s how notebook #4 ended:
7 April 71
Been down so long it looks like up to me but looks like I’m getting downer. Damn. Wonder if I really care anymore.
(pages of psychotic scribble)
Looks like Robin is unhappy with her poor nobody husband who makes her work. Should kill myself and give her 20 grand at one time.
Waitress just coughed into my ordered coke cup then filled it with coke coughing twice more into it – I just sat it down on floor and walked away – I am sick today, restless inside.
Main question is: WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? Continual failure? Settle down to what?
LOUSY SURREAL CHESSBOARD OF MY LIFE – AUTOMATIC SELF CHECK MATE
I am the cause of pain I must be removed
But how
I have 2 choices – leave her or suicide
Leaving her leaves her nothing
Suicide leaves her $20,000
Suicide would also cause her pain.
you’ve probably guessed since i’m writing this 36 years later i didn’t kill myself. but for 25 of those years i tasted endless symbolic suicide with alcohol, needles, cops, and more. but bit by bit i killed the worst within - i kind of like the rest that’s left.
doodle from 1972 journal - foto by smith
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