the bad old daze
 breakfast plate in mountain village - foto by smith more shame from the past - my journal entry from april 4, 1973 - back when i was miserably married to robin redbreast, unhappy with my life and her infidelities, and still massively depressed 2 and a half years out of prison. this will be the last journal entry - i’ve read enough of my old life for awhile. april 4, 1973 I’m becoming uptight when Robin touches me lately. I find my self becoming tensely irritated when driving along she lays her hand along side my inner thigh and inevitably moves up to my crotch. She also makes throatal noises she believes to be sexual but again turn me way off. It is difficult to live with a girl whom one does not respect intellectually or morally, whom one does not love, know, or care to know. I shamed myself yesterday. The girl upstairs is a dealer and she left for Florida for a week a few days ago. So I, having a key to her place, went in to look for her stash. I found her bag with almost no difficulty in the window closet. In the bag were four ounces of grass and a black book with sale records and $140. So, I opened up the plastic baggies of dope & took a little out for me from each bag, put the rest & the money back. I went downstairs with about $4.00 worth of bad grass ( I know it’s bad cuz tis the same as last which was bad – in fact, all of her dope has been weak or medium mediocrity. Then I felt so bad that I stole that I went back up and put it all back. The worst of it all is that I wasn’t even tempted to steal the $140, but I stole $4 worth of bad grass. That is sick. I am sickening. Moralistic poet steals. To make it worse I once again onaned this a.m. Robin wants me sexually 2-3 times per day – I frequently find masturbation more attractive because I don’t have to lie next to me afterwards, lying, “I love you.” Lizard shit. As of now, no more masturbation – she would say it was a waste of the creative force. No more soda pops. No more Gino’s hamburgers. No more candy bars. On we go.  cracked dinner plate - foto by smith |
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