WALKING ON THIN ICE

wall and ad frag - foto by smith

been trying for 20 months to put a label on my waking life. for a long time i used “endure,” but that has erroneous negative implications.

before lady came along, i had a hard time going. i thought i knew what was going on - i was wrong of course, but at least believed i could make plans, build tomorrow on today. then lady walked into my life like goldilocks on steroids in my 20th year of celibacy, my 14th year of sobriety, 3 months after mom died - and predictability went out the door,

since then, there ain’t no normal. there’s been psycho stalker, bulimia, cancer, operation, job resignation, radiation, nose polyps, another operation, loss of house & possessions & neighborhood followed by expatriatization and many countries in many months - all finally ending in mexico.

50 moves in 20 months leads to loss of routine, fogs expectation, makes planning difficult if not impossible. with no planning comes freeform discontinuity. there’s no continuity from day to day. one day we walk up a mountain. next day we go to a mixtec’s house for chili rellenos lessons. day after that we plot a magic mushroom trip, or we walk down an endless mountain through thousands of rabbits, or sit in a tent under a water sky, or eat ostrich in the bummed out grayness of a polish city, or watch lizards scamper in france or croatia or mexico. there’s no connect between one day and the next. the only reliable sameness day after day is lady and me being together - but even this is not exactly “sameness” because we’re both constantly evolving due to the journey. so every day i wake to a slightly new lady and we go through unknown and unknowable steps and people and adventures until we sleep and wake to the next day’s newness.

but today, standing in the afternoon’s after rain grey light looking into the lighted room where lady was working away on her laptop, it became clear to me - my waking life has become dream time. and like dreams, however odd the thing happening is, i go through it doing what i must to make it work as well as possible for as many as possible.

i don’t plan, i don’t schedule, i don’t expect. i try (and i’m getting better at succeeding) to get up and go through each day accepting what comes my way best i can.

now that we’re going to be living in one place for a couple years, some of this will change. i’ll find reoccurring cycles to play upon. and i do have my three daily rituals - bonding with lady, my daily blog, and my nightly toke.

weird life - i’m down to counting on the uncountable.

graffiti - foto by smith