dog paddling murky water

had another dead dream. i woke in tears. then the cat bit my toe.

mother dwarf was in the rest home – they were giving her a party because she was the only one left alive. i arrive and a young, beautiful cream-skinned lady starts dancing with me. lots of people. hors d’oeuvres. i say nice party. she says yes, but nobody’s here. what do you mean? she points to mom sitting behind the table – there’s no mom, just a mom-shaped hole cut in the wall. we go thru the hole, trace down events. find the rest home had burned during the night and mother dwarf was dead. so brown lady and i go watch fireworks. she’s hugging and kissing me, telling me she loves me. i laugh, say this is going to sound weird, but what’s your name? she becomes sad. says mer. ask her last name. she says jam. that makes me remember – she was there 9 months ago when we 1st brought mother dwarf to the home. she loves me because i was good to mom. everything is fine. then we’re back at the party and unpleasant japanese ex comes up, takes my hand. insults mer. mer leaves. tell ex that was sad, mer seems nice. ex sez yes, but i’m stronger. i wake up, crying. get up to come down, to tell kathy my dream – and step on the black cat sleeping at my feet, who screeches and bites my big toe. i call to him, apologize, get down and soothe him.

last dead dream had holes cut in the expensive hotel floor. this has mom hole cut into wall. what am i missing here?

and so we start today. back when i smoked grass every day, i couldn’t remember my dreams – which was a shame cuz they were surreal doozies. now i’m 18 days dried out, my dreams linger. must be short term memory – once said i had the longest short term memory gap in town (back in my drinking days – i’m 15.3 years sober now).

new day, new plan. 15 more days in london, 7 days in amsterdam (these exist, are pre-paid). then 6 weeks in lodz, poland followed by 4 weeks in pula, croatia. i’m emailing 2 croatian literary folk today for info (thnx 2 natalija & ognjen of admit2.com for the croatian references – please check out their collaboration website). after that, i’m thinking of running guns with humphrey bogart between macedonia and casablanca.

we have no idea what we’re doing – this is all far murkier than we’d anticipated… but then, that’s the object, isn’t it – to throw ourselves into uncharted unknown murky waters and see if we can swim. appears we can at least dog paddle.

remember, you can walk on water – if water wants … just ask … walk willing.

the bad news – southwest general hospital in middleberg heights ohio just hit us with an $8,400 bill for 2 hours of operating room time and 5 hours of bedcare … looks like they’re charging $500 for the 2 pieces of cotton they rammed up my nose.

seems i left hospitals off my list of the obscene greedy unclean. more later.

Poem by Kathy:

Life is not cinema,
but if it were,
had I been cast 
as the lead actress in your movie

I’d give you the moon
and the stars,
I’d find shelter in your arms,

and we would eat popcorn!
as the closing credits
scroll by
the top of the sky