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HAPPINESS VS AWARENESS

HAPPINESS VS AWARENESS

I remember a complete feeling of being in the moment. That all accounts were paid up, that there are no responsibilities, or that the responsibilities were enjoyable. Freedom. A rapture of thought, creativity, “what if” and “ah so this is so.” A new discovery, a new thought each day. No psychological addictions. Goals within reach or just had. Working the juice out of getting there and being here. Faith that the authorities were intrinsically benevolent, just a little ideologically flawed, faith that progress was being made on all fronts. Hope that there would be no more war, belief in “just” war.

As I become better and better, some become worse and worse. To know people and to be with them for a while and to watch things happen to them and to inevitably disappoint them is to feel pain and give pain. To live is to contribute to pain and to know this is irreconcilable with a single moment of perfect happiness. Maybe I can achieve perfect happiness by a transcendence of the political and personal scope of things, or is this magic thinking?

I want to know people who have become happier as they’ve grown older and more experienced. I want to know people who are happy even as they suffer repeat discrimination. People who forgive and continue to love those with whom they’ve grappled. People who have faith that they were loved without condition. I want to know people who think things and do things and teach things because they like to think and do and teach. I want to find happy people who are not oblivious.

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