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summing up 1968

Sphinx – Smith by Smith (Manipulated Polaroid)

3 Jan 69…

Were I to sum up 1968 I’d say dope… first turned on January 20… kicked out of Academy Feb 22… heavy dope since… 24 hallucinogenic trips since May 18… have had a needle in my arm 23 times in 19 goes… and now I’m sposed to be straight – and I am in an unwilling way… I don’t feel like writing right now.

4 Jan 69

First smoked grass Jan 20

I tried tea, hash, glue, methedrine, amyl nitrate, LSD, heroin, Demerol, belladonna, cocaine, psylicibin, mescaline, Nembutal, THC, morphine, and innumerable amphetamine pills and sleeping pills. I became engaged – it should stand out as my biggest year of change but I feel more it has been my first completely normal year… every previous year I have either lived at home under parental guidance or in the Navy under their authority – this was the first year I’ve lived under the guidance and authority of me… consequently my apartment is decorated my way and I’ve had freedom to try drugs… it was a good year – I’ve never gotten out of debt, but I’ve had a hell of a lot of fun. Here’s my dope list I kept in my calendar I had in the Mudge Paper office. [below]

My two best trips were the 5th and the 11th… a blue flat and a white flat… colors play havoc in dope: blue and white flats, orange white and purple wedges, purple ozleys, blue barrels, Acapulco Gold, Panama Red, crystal, snow – etc.

I have a fear that I’m putting too much down on paper… this would look great in a court room – of course how can a court decide where reality and fun are divided… what about the dead body I said I kept in my apartment… and maybe they couldn’t use this because of the 5th amendment – I just hope Robin never reads it, or if she does that she truly loves me enough to understand. I like my black walls… they match me so well they require nothing from me… my whole apartment requires nothing from me because I’ve just put myself on the walls and made art things of myself and hung them from the ceilings and I can just be here and like what I see without becoming involved… I’m basically a coward… afraid of hurting people… the only I managed to break off with Janice was to tell her I got engaged… I’m useless in people relationships… gonna go… I’m leaving the radio on because it’s easier than having to choose a record for the player… there are two very definite parts to me – one is my writing self whom I really don’t understand and the other is my timid lazy self… or is this true?

s.p. cont… s.h. re… a.h. re… sn.g.3… sn.m re…
[smoke pot continuously… smoke hash repeatedly… ate hash repeatedly… snorted glue 3… snorted methydrine repeatedly…]
ml m 7… p an 5… d a 22… ml n 4 … a p 2 …
[mainlined methydrine 7… popped amyl nitrate 5… dropped acid 22… mainlined nebutal 4… ate peyote 2…]
ml d 1 … ml b … ml a 2 … s h 1 … ml h 1… d ad 2 …
[mainlined demerol 1… mainlined benzedrine… mainlined acid 2… snorted heroin 1… mainlined heroin 1… dropped acidonna 2…]
ml c 1 … s n c l … d psl … d mesl … m l nam 1 … m1 orb T 1 …
[mainlined coke 1… snorted coke 1… dropped psylicibin … dropped mescaline… mainlined nam (?) 1… mainlined obr t (?) 1…]
d – sn – smo THC 1 … m1 mor … plus innumerable pep pills, sets, and sleeping pills.
[dropped snorted smoked thc… mainlined morphine… etc]

list of lsd trips etc:
1) ½ blotter May 18 2) 1 blotter 29 May 3) 2 blotter 31 May 4) 1 blotter Jun 5
5) 1 Blue Flat Jun 14 6) 1 c 37 Jun 19 7) 2 w.l. (ml 1) Jun 21
8) 2 p.c. + 1 w.l. (ml & p.) Jun 25 9) 1 p.c. June 30
10 3 purp c July 12 11) 1 W.F. Aug 14 12) 1 bl. Aug 22
13) 1 bl Aug 28 14) 1 bl Aug 30 15) ½ bl Sep 2
16) 1 bl Sep 9 17) mes oct 5 18) 1 wc Oct 26 19) 1 wc Nov 3
20) 2 tab Nov 15 21) 2 tab Nov 22 22) 1 tab Nov 28
23) 1 tab Dec 14

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