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dead frogs when i have to

advert detail – foto by smith

excerpt from CRIMINAL by Smith & Lady:

When I drank myself to death and ended up in intensive care, I got a call from Dick Head.

I told him, “I can’t drink anymore or I’ll die.”

He screamed, “Then why don’t you die! I’d rather die than not drink.”

Dick Head’s highlight was when he read poetry at the Old Brooklyn Inn wearing nothing but an octopus wrapped around his waist. The octopus tentacles hung down, and so did Dick Head’s dick. Dick Head’s holding a large stuffed frog in his left arm, a butcher knife in his right hand, and is standing on a plastic drop cloth. He starts shouting:

I only eat dead frogs / when I have to
lifes a bitch not a bore / Im a slut not a whore
live for lust / loves a drag / I only eat dead frogs
when I have to

Art is free / but paint cost money
The galleries are full / of commies faggots & more
I dont let it get me sore / Cus I only eat dead frogs
When I have to

Then he gut stabs the stuffed frog with the knife, and the cow entrails he’d sewn into it the previous night spill out on the floor

One of the finest poetry moments I can recall. Even the college kids sat up.

Last time I saw Dick Head’s dick was at the ArtCrimes 20 publication party. He had a stud in his penis head, I could see it flashing in the spot light as he read from the stage. I’ve seen him with leopard skin hair, I’ve seen him with half his hair shaved, and a safety pin through the scalp. I’ve seen him with bloody scalp.

Nobody knows how he’s stayed alive this long. I know he’s alive because he still makes noises, but no more dead frogs.

local stencil graffiti – foto by smith

3 Responses to “dead frogs when i have to”

  1. ke says:

    When I was in jr/high school there was a band called Square Orange that played Cream & The Beatles almost verbatim. I remember seeing them at the brand new Midway Mall in Elyria doing the whole Sgt. Pepper’s album. Anyway, the lead guitar player’s name was Dick (Richard) Head. Coincidence? I don’t think so. I never saw his penis so I can’t be sure if it was the same guy.

  2. smith says:

    i donno – the age is right, but dick head’s name is robert ritchie, and he doesn’t seem to have an ounce of musical or singing ability. think he was mainly tremont – but who knows. especially with dick head.

  3. andy says:

    I remember one night in the early 90’s Dick Head laying on the floor in front of our bathrooms with his penis hanging out of his pants. I think everyone that was in the bar that night knew him so there was no shock or calls to have him kicked out. Maybe a few eeews.
    As a matter of general principal I grabbed his pants and pulled up so his penis slid back through the zipper hole. Then I lifted him up and walked him over to a chair.
    I should have video taped that. Then again there’s about a hundred Dick Head moments I should have taped and edited into a money making documentary.
    Here’s a brief clip of Dick passing out into the piano keys. I had been taping his horrible piano playing and had no idea it was gonna happen.

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