old people, brain power, planes
One thing about getting a little bit older – I realize that older people don’t necessarily have the answers – as a matter of fact, they’ve had more opportunity to fuck themselves up. Sometimes the answers old people provide are dogmatism. It makes me respect young people more. Everyone starts out shiny and righteous. Actually this gives me hope and greater understanding, sure. Gives me a lot of respect for older people who DO come out on top of it all, still articulate and caring. I have a kind of admiration and jealousy for cheerful people, too.
I’ve lost some of my brain power. I think it’s partially due to being cooped up in an isolated bubble for two years, partially due to smoking too much, partially due to Geodone. I’d stopped smoking grass for a couple months, tried it again last night but didn’t have any good effects from it, just increased anxiety, so that experiment didn’t work.
I miss coffee. I had a cup this morning for the first time in a couple weeks. I realize that all my life I’ve amped up my interest in living by drinking coffee. I might be stuck on it. I think it’s the most powerful drug I know, hardest to quit. I’m going to see how it affects me all day, another experiment.
Well I’ve been off Geodone for almost a week, and I think my depressive symptoms are lessening. The hardest time is morning when I can’t figure out what to do. If I had a job, my free time will become sweet again. Right now it’s sour because I feel I should be creating, yet I have no words, really blank. Well, I tried to write a poem yesterday and got farther than I usually do lately. Maybe getting off the Geodone is helping that.
Here’s the poem –
PLANE
Thought is as relevant as the underside of leaf,
the bristled ground floor of an ant’s eye level,
Soul as significant as an aphid cow
The miracle of eye believes in pain for seeing is believing on
this plane and thought is emergence and existence transcends
the improbability of clockwork
There are ghosts of ant battlefields between dandelion stars
Lady