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sprung cleaning


ego vs id – foto by Smith

I’m in a dark loop of re-evaluating my worthiness. It is a downward spiral. I’m finding myself with a deep vein that’s petty, selfish, shallow. I go along fine as Mr Wonderful while small wounds and slights boil and toil to trouble inside until they coalesce over time and I suddenly lash out at those around me, seldom for any valid reason.

I’m judgmental and righteous, just like the Christian Right. I have in fact become one of the very people I’ve always railed against. There’s anger within, a smoldering rage at the unfairness of life on earth where the rich eat the poor after first picking their pockets.

I have to do something about my lack of inner light. I’ve worked at becoming a better person at least since the late 1960s, but for every two steps forward I take at least one back and a couple sideways. Some would say “Welcome to the human condition,” but I’m a mutant, I don’t want to be human, I want to be good outside and at peace inside.

And now to complicate my shortcomings, I’ve gotten an email from my younger sister whom I haven’t heard from in almost two decades. In 1990 she disowned the rest of the family after having her memories “recovered” by a religious cult who told her my mother, father, grandmother and grandfather had all been in a Satanic cult and had sexually molested her.

Not true of course, but her lies broke mom’s heart and killed any feeling I had for sis.

I thought of ignoring her, but I’d just been delving into how selfish and self-centered I am, so decided to give her a chance, hear her out, see if there’s any relationship to salvage.

Not sure where this is going to go, but it is a chance for me to be a slightly better person.


jicculf – foto by Smith


2 Responses to “sprung cleaning”

  1. Jack McGuane says:

    Good fortune with your long lost sister. It’s interesting she tracked you down or maybe never lost sight of you. Something good is coming soon.

  2. MadM says:

    That would be strange…good luck.

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