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...and they lived happily ever after. Smith & Lady: poets, artists, photographers & adventurers.
Our relationship was forged to the soundtrack of Yoko Ono's magic,
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me, tiger, driveways, sin

our tiger sun cat recharging – foto by Smith

I am not without sexual sin or driveway drama myself (see excerpt at end of blog), but since I am not casting stones, merely reporting them, I’ll continue with this Tiger untribute.

The very first news report of Tiger Woods car crash was so full of holes I immediately told Lady it was bullcrap – the facts simply didn’t gel.

I mean, here’s a man driving down his own driveway at 2:30 in the morning at 27 miles per hour which is way too fast for a driveway because the only way you can reach such speed in that short a distance is by constant acceleration, which makes it sound like he was trying to escape from rather than go to. At the end of the driveway, he loses control and crashes into a tree and fire hydrant, whereupon his loving wife grabs one of his golf clubs, rushes out and smashes his rear window with it to save him.


I don’t believe who’s sleeping with whom is any of my moral business, although I’ve learned from my own participation in the past with two married women that adultery hurts everyone’s partners unless you’re in an agreed upon open marriage – and even then it seems everyone suffers anyway.

I do believe hypocrisy is my moral business though, especially when the committer incorporates family-values into his income operation.

And for total disclosure, I think golf is one of the stupidest non-sports there is, right up there with pro-wrestling and synchronized swimming. Of course in my book basketball, baseball, soccer and football aren’t far behind on the list of needlessness. But even so, I respect Tiger’s achievements – he’s played the golf game by its own rules and totally rules that world of bad fashion and green grass punctuated by manmade gopher holes.

I can’t believe how fast the headlines escalated from minor news to major soap opera in just two weeks, and they’re still not done. But here are some of the more fascinating, egregious and salacious selections I’ve come across.

Tiger Woods injured in minor car accident Nov 28, 2009

Tiger Woods Car Accident Is Nothing Serious and Wasn’t DUI Related

Tiger Woods’ Car Crash Caused $3,200 In Damage To Tree, Fire Hydrant

Tiger Woods Statement: Accident Is “My Fault,” Wife Acted “Courageously”

Tiger Woods’ BROKEN TOOTH? Wife Elin Nordegren Allegedly Attacked Woods With Cell Phone

Was Tiger Woods’ Car Crash Related To Cheating On His Wife?

Tiger Woods Car Accident: Alleged Affair, Mistress, Wife Fight

Elin Nordegren, Tiger Woods’ Wife, Caused Injuries, Report Says

Mindy Lawton, Tiger Woods’ Alleged Mistress: Tiger Is ‘Very Well Endowed’

Holly Sampson PICTURES: Photos Of Porn Star, Tiger Woods’ Alleged Mistress

Tiger Woods: Veronica Siwik-Daniels, aka Joslyn James, named mistress

Ashley Dupre On Tiger, His Wife And His Alleged Lovers

Holly Sampson, ESCORT? Alleged Tiger Woods Mistress May Be Call Girl

Two Rumored Tiger Mistresses Are Allegedly Escorts

Joslyn James: ANOTHER Alleged Tiger Woods Porn Star Mistress

Tiger Woods, SEX ADDICT? Alleged Mistress Jamie Jungers’ Details Revealed

Tiger Woods 4th Mistress Said To Be Coming Forward, Hires Lawyer

Cori Rist PICTURES: Photos Of Tiger Woods’ Sixth Alleged Mistress

Tiger Woods Women: PICTURES Of Seven Alleged Mistresses

ANOTHER Alleged Tiger Woods Porn Star Mistress

Kalika Moquin PHOTO: Picture Of Woods’ Newest Alleged Mistress

Jaimee Grubbs NAKED PICTURES? Nearly Nude Photos Of Tiger Woods’ Alleged Mistress Surface

Tiger Woods Mistress List Rises to 11

Exclusive: Tiger Woods Didn’t Wear Condoms With Two Flings

Tiger Woods, Jamie Jungers SEX DETAILS: ‘Wild,’ ‘Crazy’ And Against The Wall

Rachel Uchitel TOPLESS PICTURES: Shirtless Photos Of Alleged Tiger Woods Mistress Surface

Rachel Uchitel, Tiger Woods’ Alleged Mistress, Angry About Other Affairs

Tiger Woods BRIBE? $1 Million Rachel Uchitel Payoff Offer Reported

Rachel Uchitel, Tiger Woods’ Alleged Mistress, Concerned About STDs, Report Says

Rachel Uchitel — No Joy Being Called Hooker

Gatorade: Move to halt Tiger brand, controversy unrelated

Gatorade Drops Tiger Woods Drink

Tag Heuer Pulls Tiger Woods Ads

Tiger Woods TV Ads Disappear After Affair Reports

‘Tiger Woods Foursome’: Syracuse Crunch Hockey Ad Mock Woods

Tiger Woods AFFAIRS Get Animated: Taiwanese News Recreates Entire Scandal In Cartoon Form (VIDEO)

Alleged mistress: Woods ‘never mentioned wife’

It’s Not Just Tiger: Monogamous Marriage Is An Anomaly

Hefner On Tiger Woods: Monogamy Is Overrated

Star Jones: Tiger Woods Should Talk To Fellow Adulterer Barbara Walters

Capitol Punishment: Effort To Get Tiger Woods Congressional Medal Dropped

Rush Limbaugh: ‘The Black Frame Of Mind’ Is ‘Terrible’ And ‘Tiger Woods’s Choice Of Females Is Not Helping’ (AUDIO)

Playgirl Considering Buying NAKED Tiger Pics

Report: Tiger Woods Paid For Mistress’s Liposuction

LISTEN: Tiger Woods’ Mother-In-Law’s 911 Call

Report: OVERDOSE On Tiger Woods’ Charts

Tiger Woods Took Drugs, Alcohol? Vicodin, Ambien, Alcohol Were Suspected, Report Says

The Tiger Woods case shows how ‘recreational’ prescription drugs are sweeping America

Parnevik Blast Woods: ‘I Hope She Uses A Driver Next Time’

Elin Nordegren, Tiger Woods’ Wife, MOVES OUT Of Woods’ Home, Report Says

Carol Bartz: Tiger Woods’s Scandal Better For Yahoo Than Jacko’s Death

Tiger Woods Apology: “I Regret Those Transgressions With All Of My Heart”

Where does humbled Tiger (and his image) go from here?

Jillian Michaels On Tiger Woods: ‘I Knew He Was An Asshole’

Girlfriends’ Guide: Tiger Woods Is A Baby, But His Wife Does A Real Man’s Work

Joslyn James WANTED: Porn Star, Alleged Tiger Woods Mistress On Most Wanted List

Rachel Uchitel In PLAYBOY? Tiger Woods’ Alleged Mistress Reportedly Considering Offer

Porn Flick Coming On Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods SEX TAPE? Phone Sex Recording Allegedly Marketed

Naked Tiger Woods Pictures BLOCKED By British Court Order

Tiger Woods’ Secret Payoff? Golfer Allegedly Offered Witness $200,000

Tiger Woods Withdraws From His Own Golf Tournament

Tiger bares truth to wife

Tiger Woods changes his first name to Cheetah

Tiger Woods Books: Do They Still Ring True?

There Are No Mistakes, Just Lessons

Of course as I mentioned, I am not without sin here myself either sexually or driveway-wise. Not only have I been adulterous with at least two married women and attempted but failed an adultery against my own wife (who had at least 6 admitted adulteries committed against me before my try), but I rolled my car in my own driveway at over 70 miles per hour back in 1976. Here’s the story in an excerpt from chapter 24 of our unpublished book previously called CRIMINAL, but tentatively retitled:

My brother and I moved in together in a house in Brahmen in ’76. We didn’t have any money and had to decide what was important. Alcohol won out over milk and sugar, so we started drinking our coffee black. To get more alcohol, we tromped through the snow to unoccupied lakeside summer cabins and kicked in their doors. It’s not as easy to kick in a door as it looks in the movies. We took guns, drugs, alcohol and what not. Our friend Jones sold the guns. I was having fun, but I was definitely going the wrong way.

The first night we moved in together we got stoned and wrestled, goofing off. We were trying to claim the house for ourselves. Cat was on his back on the floor with his knee up. I tried to pin him down, his knee against my ribs. I slowly sank an inch down, breaking my rib. It was the gentlest breaking imaginable. The hospital gave me codeine. I immediately took a lot.

Pappy didn’t yet know his manual laborer was broken, so at five in the morning Cat and I drove down to pick up my replacement, Jones. Heading back, me driving, my brother kept shouting, “Faster, faster!” I kept saying, “Where is it, where is it?” looking for the driveway. We weren’t yet familiar with our neighborhood. I pulled around an older couple at ninety miles an hour, and just as I pulled back in front of them my brother shouted, “There it is!”

I immediately stomp my foot on the brake and turn the wheel, whereupon the car flips over onto its top and skids upside down through the driveway, across the lawn, and stops six feet from the house, upside down.

Rolling it squished the top, popped the windshield out and slightly twisted the frame. Jones drove it over to a tree, jacked the car up opposite the way the roof was bent, wrapped a chain around the roof, tied the chain to the tree and kicked the jack out. As the car fell the chain jerked the top back where it was supposed to be. We epoxied the front window back and bondoed the driver’s door shut.

Jones had an easy loose attitude toward vehicles. He had a Jeep without brakes which he’d drive through the woods, stoned. To brake, he’d downshift, and to stop, he’d run into a tree.

A short while later I was out of work and hadn’t been making my car payments. I’m sitting on my mother’s trailer porch when these two guys drive up to repossess the car. I tell them, “There it is.”

As one walked over toward it I said, “Oh, you have to get in the passenger side. We bondoed the driver’s side shut.” He just looked at me, shook his head, got in and drove away.

– excerpt from CRIMINAL by Smith and Lady; a memoir of armed robbery, stolen cars, alternative art, mainstream poetry, underground publishing, robbing the cradle, and leaving the country.

our tiger cat on prowl – foto by Smith

3 Responses to “me, tiger, driveways, sin”

  1. jc says:

    How many woulds
    Would Tiger Woods wood
    If Tiger Woods could
    Wood woulds?

  2. jb says:

    >>I don’t believe who’s sleeping with whom is any of my moral business, although I’ve learned from my own participation in the past with two married women that adultery hurts everyone’s partners unless you’re in an agreed upon open marriage – and even then it seems everyone suffers anyway.<<


  3. andy says:

    I’m glad you didn’t kill yourself back then (by accident or whatever) cause this story cracked me up.

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