Met some old girlfriends and fell into a typical comfortable pattern of the past. They are my mentors, my guides, my comfort.
These women are wonderful, but the comfort of being with them makes me wary of falling too much into old pattern. I want to be a new, confident, ideal, accomplished me, a person who doesn’t complain, a person who acts with grace and sincerity and maturity.
I don’t think I committed any particular offenses when I met with my girlfriends. I didn’t talk badly about anyone; I hope I didn’t brag.
This is who I used to be: obese, immature, obsessed or jealous over men I admired, jealous of women I admired, a braggart about my career and degree, never thought anyone else could approach my “intellect” or my “nuanced opinion.”
Everything I used to think or say or do was for the purpose of elevating myself over everyone else. I was estranged from people and used faux self esteem as an instrument over them. I felt myself a monster physically and mentally. I shunned mirrors, because I was grossed out by my reflection.
(I really think my interior me is a better person now. I’m happy with my artistic life, with my marraige. I’ve learned that I really DO care about people and the planet. And I’ve learned not to judge people by their sheep skins.)
When I see mirrors now I see an attractive woman, but I peer hard into the reflection. It’s not really me, is it? I peer harder, try to find some remnant of my old me. I wear a mental fat suit.
People are mirrors as well. Some people from my near past elicit strong feelings in me. Usually it’s people I admire, people who have attributes that I associate with my most ideal self. (The old me would’ve labelled them “imposters.”) I don’t like to have any ugly feelings, and I turn over my rocks, squashing my jealous little bugs. I meet these people and I talk to them as though picking a scar, trying to see what I feel now. (Does it still hurt?) I want so much to be GOOD and MATURE and LIKED.
I’m pleasantly surprised to see Smith’s blog picture of me this morning. This attractive lady is not the person I imagine myself to be.