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...and they lived happily ever after. Smith & Lady: poets, artists, photographers & adventurers.
Our relationship was forged to the soundtrack of Yoko Ono's magic,
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Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

punbrella

Saturday, December 9th, 2017


still life

Punbrella

Don’t ask for whom the vasectomy tolls,
it’s nut for thee.

Sometimes it’s acumen, sometimes it’s agoin’.

A bird that’s flown 3,000 miles
is probably tired and feathered.

Bill Cosby, Harvey Winestein, and Donald Trump
walked into a bar,
and all the females fled.

They always talk about miscommunication,
but what about Mister Communication?

You know what turns ghosts on? – Booobies.

Back when I was with the Glow Glow Girls,
we opened for Bling Crosby.

If a chair’s in the sun, is it Sunny & Chair?

Curses: politics, lawsuits and lies,
no excuses, just current cuses.

You need two normals to have a paranormal.

There’s a new product called Instant Water,
you just add water.

I don’t understand wristwatches…
what’s so interesting about wrists?
why would anyone want to watch them?

Where do snores come from?
Snoreway.

I don’t like holloween, I prefer solid weens.

Things go in cycles –
motorcycles, bicycles, tricycles, unicycles.

There’s mayonnaise, and there’s maynotonnaise.

– Smith, 12.9.2017


shape shifter

 

conversaling

Tuesday, November 7th, 2017

Conversation with Wife 39

Wife comes in looking for scissors and twine.
What are you searching for?
“I need to truss the bird.”
You can’t trust birds, they’re foul.

What’s the controversy with Porgy & Bess?
“It’s seen as white guy condescendence.”
Is that where dew collects on flowers?
“No, that’s condensation.”
Like a person becoming famous?
“That’s sensation.”
Oh, original sensation! The Garden of Eden!
“You never stop, do you?”

– Smith, 11.7.2017

 

the lady & the doors van morrison

Sunday, October 22nd, 2017

When I walk, my right arm thumps against my side, large, hard, like a massive weight lifter’s appendage, but this hard and heavy isn’t from exercise but rather swollen flesh protesting the knives and saws and pryings screwings bruisings of my second shoulder replacement.

Major change in pain pill philosophy. My two days in the hospital they gave me three 5 mg oxycodone pills every 4 hours, sometimes tossing in an injection of dilaudid as well. So one day in hospital was 24 pills. They released me with a prescription for one pill every six hours, or 4 pills per day. Fortunately this time it’s all low level pain, so I can manage. Bit hypocritical of them though.

~

Conversation with Wife 38

“Is penultimate the power of the pen?”
she ponders.

“Our salad was good,
the goat cheese, red onions and apples had synergy.”
Original synergy?

What’s choux?
“I think it’s an eggy dough.”
Didn’t Eggy Dough record with Iggy Pop?

“OK, you know what…” she starts.
I used to know What,
I dated his daughter, young Why.
She was a handful.

“What are we going to do about these hurricanes?”
Change the name to himicanes, let em go impotant.

“You know who drove the Doors? – Van Morrison.”

Where’d the fun go?
“Down the funnel.”

 – Smith, 10.22.2017

 

ennui

Friday, September 29th, 2017

Been in a bit of a funk due to health, finances, a general existential ennui – haven’t even posted my new poems.

The health is Lady’s battle with eye cancer (successful it seems) and my right shoulder replacement in 11 days. Already have a metal hip, a metal left shoulder, two metal rods in my neck, and a 2-year unhealed broken kneecap, and set off metal detectors.

The finances are like Sisyphus – eternal. Born poor, live poor, looks as if I’ll die poor.

In spite of all this I am a rich and lucky man – have Lady’s love, a fine cat, cool friends, decent in-laws, and a past fully lived. Plus I had a fine poetry reading at Mac’s Backs last week.

Here’re my two most recent poems, plus a few news updates.

~ ~ ~

Conversation with Wife 37

“Sweat’s so weird,
I woke last night in a cold sweat.”

That’s a James brown song.

“Think it’s menopause.”

How long’s that last?

“10 years.”

10 years?!?!
You mean you bleed for 30 years
then spend another 10 getting over it?

“Yes, aren’t women wonderful?
All to make more of us.”

Why can’t we just order babies from catalogues?

“Are catalogues how we get cats?
Dogs from dogalogues?”

Captains from the Captain’s log.

“Humans from humanalogs.””

I used to belog to a club,
but they wooden let me stay.

– Smith, 9.28.2017

~ ~ ~

Lady K’s cat scan came back negative for cancer, which implies her eye cancer has not spread. They’ll check again in 6 months. Doc says her eye tumor is shrinking, and she has only a 2% chance of it spreading.

~ ~ ~

Status Report 259

I hunger within
for the things without,
yet the things without
cannot feed me
for they lack substance.

– Smith, 9.29.2017

~ ~ ~

Electricity was out 14 hours. Our neighbor saw the pole go down. Said a man cut across the traffic circle half a block away, blew his tire on the curb, gunned the gas, raced through the red light, lost control, hit the electric pole half a block the other way and knocked it over. Our neighbor is a male nurse. His first thought was stroke, so he ran over to see if he could help, saw no signs of stroke, smelled no alcohol, so his best guess based on the way the guy was acting is heroin. 12 hours later as we watch the repair, we hear an explosive KEERACK right across the street and see a massive tree branch as large as a medium tree fall, missing a man’s house by a few inches. He comes out, sees there’s no house damage, and says “Looks like I have some firewood.”

 

from the labia to the grave

Thursday, September 14th, 2017

Bone Mats

I’ve been decertified,
does that make me maamified?.

From the labia to the grave.

Back when I was a celery,
I got a salary for stalking.

Sausage – sawing a wise man in half.

The Dandelion crayon color has been discontinued.
Not surprised, I made dandelion wine out of them
and it didn’t taste good at all.

I’d have to be diculous
before I could be ridiculous.

How many Pattys to make a Pattycake?

If you put wheels on a burro
you’d have a real wheelburro.

Well tarnish my gloss.

I used to run caravans cross the Wasabi Desert.
Boy was it was hot !!!

I played insight, then tried outsight.

“Damn you Samuel Daniel” pops into my brain
every time I hear his name of short line rhyme.

It’s hard to unlock a door with a key lime cake.

There’s a new disease hitting vampires
called suckle cell anemia.

My foster foster parents are my real folks.

Tried to charge my fone
but my credit card wouldn’t fit in the charge slot.

Every spring on the farm
I’d wait for the appellation trees to ripen
along the Appalatian Trail.
It was appalling.

Too much surrealism… not enough maamrealism.

– Smith, 9.14.2017

 

conversation with wife #35

Tuesday, August 8th, 2017


my gal is red hot

Conversation with Wife 35

I’m going to bill the webbots to read me.
“What, charge them some electrons?”
Yeah, I’ll say gimme some valence!

“We need sugar, bread, milk.”
Wonder what the offspring of sugar bred milk
would look like?

“I’m addicted to caffeine.”
I’m addicted to cowffeine.
“It makes you MOOOOOve.”

“Paramour is such a strange word.”
I like the single mour rather than a pair a mours
a single lell rather than a pair a lells
a single mount rather than a pair a mounts
a single dice rather than a pair a dice.

How was your 3 mile run?
“I’m weak.”
I’m weekend.
“We’ll have to strengthen you.”

“Where’s my lipstick?”
In my pants?

“I really like Aldi’s.”
I only like some d’s….
small d’s are okay,
but I don’t trust the capital D’s.

Do you think canvas was invented in Kansas?
“No.”
Sure would take a lot to canvas a neighborhood.

“I love pirates.”
If a loan had 3.14% interest, it’d be a pirate.

“Wonder what the origin of the word meat is?”
Some cavemen, after he’d eaten his beastie
said, “Me ate.”

“Sounds like pneumonia.”
More like oldmonia, me being 71 and all.

“We’re quite a pair.”
I’m more apple.
“I’m glad you have a sense of humor.”
I have fifty cents of humor.

Thank you. We’ll be here all week.

– Smith, 8.8.2017


I ear you

 

Marzipan Needs Women

Thursday, June 15th, 2017

Marzipan Needs Women

Back in my day we drank like fish
then we got in the car and drove like fish.

My foot is not a foot
it’s only 10 inches.
How can I have two feet
when I’m 4 inches short?

We have a fowl relationship
she keeps calling me a silly goose.

Live in the city
but need more exercise
so moving to the standy.

We buy cage-free eggs
then lock them in small containers.

I’m serious, Dog Star Sirius.

You know what ghosts seek when things go bad?
Boooooooze.

There’s pee and there’s poo
put em together
you get people.

Knickknack paddywack now the Whack has won.
“We’ll C,” said A to B.

I been advised
to go to Placidville
and do placebos.

You shouldn’t lend stuff
cuz then it’s Lent and you go without.

Look Ma nobody home

I used to catch prerogatives in the pond
and feed them to the mistakes.

Flux em all, then flush.

– Smith, 6.14.2017

~

Conversation with Wife 34

“Aren’t we all one?”
I’m more number two.
“You mean you’re shit?”
Yes, the big shit.
“Aren’t we all.”

“I don’t know.”
We don’t need no, we invest in yes.

“What’s a term for masturbation?”
Beats me.
“Hands solo.”

Smith, 6.15.2017

 

mushroom eyes on acid

Sunday, April 9th, 2017

Lady K came up with 5 pizza/peace/piece/Pete puns today.

All I want is pizza mind.

Give pizza chance.

How do you solve a jigsaw puzzle?
Pizza by pizza.

I like Ringo,
but I lik pizza best.

Take another pizza my heart.

~

Mushroom Eyes on Acid

Dark rises from dark
broods as slow rising light
becomes land and trees against sky
sliced and unsilenced by silhouette
of train on trestle
while a multitude of birds
sing up unseen sun
new spring dawn baring winter’s nip
beneath its ever old promise
of renew

– Smith, 4.9.2017

 

to relieve, one must 1st leave

Tuesday, August 23rd, 2016

blowingsmokeblowing smoke

Minimal List

To relieve, one must first leave

I started out as a prophet
but turned into a loss

We know never enough till too far gone

It’s Taser Nation over all
with liberty and justice revocable

Sentient meat meeting scent of rent

In movies there’s always
a full moon, instant parking, and no horseshit

For sum why I’m still working lie

“Myself am hell” says Satan to the sheep
as he dons his best worsted

Owling at the moon

We have big at our fingers
do so little with it

Don’t judge out loud in print or crowd

Are we many or one? Or none?
I step in truth and scrape it off my shoe

System rigged rotten from top trickle down bottom

This is not an issue
as they say in the magazine trade

I’m a blues singer in a synth band

The man who had the first penis transplant,
did that make his wife an adulteress?

Use natural ass gas, harness the farts

Red White & Boom or read write & bloom?
fix the system, don’t blame the symptoms

Raise sin to sensation, peel feel from ground

One must fight atomic weapons, death rays
and machine mind

Don’t beat a dead hearse

End quote from a dying computer:
All men go to good earth in one eternal silent night

I know I are but what am you?

– Smith, 8.23.2016

gasiscutgas is cut

 

plop Plop PLOp PLOP

Wednesday, January 27th, 2016

spiritlady

Conversation with Wife 21

“You’re going to eat aren’t you?”
Yes.
“When?”
After you go to bed.
“What?”
I don’t know, cold cereal, oatmeal maybe.
“Oatmeal’s good for you, firms your bowels.”
Oh I love bowels
especially church bowels when they play
plop Plop PLOp PLOP plop Plop PLOp PLOP
POOp POOP Poop poop plop PLOp Plop plop

– Smith, 1.27.2016

lipsmacker

 

 
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