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...and they lived happily ever after. Smith & Lady: poets, artists, photographers & adventurers.
Our relationship was forged to the soundtrack of Yoko Ono's magic,
frenetic, love-laden song, "Walking On Thin Ice." ( play song )
 
   
 
 

Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

ennui

Friday, September 29th, 2017

Been in a bit of a funk due to health, finances, a general existential ennui – haven’t even posted my new poems.

The health is Lady’s battle with eye cancer (successful it seems) and my right shoulder replacement in 11 days. Already have a metal hip, a metal left shoulder, two metal rods in my neck, and a 2-year unhealed broken kneecap, and set off metal detectors.

The finances are like Sisyphus – eternal. Born poor, live poor, looks as if I’ll die poor.

In spite of all this I am a rich and lucky man – have Lady’s love, a fine cat, cool friends, decent in-laws, and a past fully lived. Plus I had a fine poetry reading at Mac’s Backs last week.

Here’re my two most recent poems, plus a few news updates.

~ ~ ~

Conversation with Wife 37

“Sweat’s so weird,
I woke last night in a cold sweat.”

That’s a James brown song.

“Think it’s menopause.”

How long’s that last?

“10 years.”

10 years?!?!
You mean you bleed for 30 years
then spend another 10 getting over it?

“Yes, aren’t women wonderful?
All to make more of us.”

Why can’t we just order babies from catalogues?

“Are catalogues how we get cats?
Dogs from dogalogues?”

Captains from the Captain’s log.

“Humans from humanalogs.””

I used to belog to a club,
but they wooden let me stay.

– Smith, 9.28.2017

~ ~ ~

Lady K’s cat scan came back negative for cancer, which implies her eye cancer has not spread. They’ll check again in 6 months. Doc says her eye tumor is shrinking, and she has only a 2% chance of it spreading.

~ ~ ~

Status Report 259

I hunger within
for the things without,
yet the things without
cannot feed me
for they lack substance.

– Smith, 9.29.2017

~ ~ ~

Electricity was out 14 hours. Our neighbor saw the pole go down. Said a man cut across the traffic circle half a block away, blew his tire on the curb, gunned the gas, raced through the red light, lost control, hit the electric pole half a block the other way and knocked it over. Our neighbor is a male nurse. His first thought was stroke, so he ran over to see if he could help, saw no signs of stroke, smelled no alcohol, so his best guess based on the way the guy was acting is heroin. 12 hours later as we watch the repair, we hear an explosive KEERACK right across the street and see a massive tree branch as large as a medium tree fall, missing a man’s house by a few inches. He comes out, sees there’s no house damage, and says “Looks like I have some firewood.”

 

from the labia to the grave

Thursday, September 14th, 2017

Bone Mats

I’ve been decertified,
does that make me maamified?.

From the labia to the grave.

Back when I was a celery,
I got a salary for stalking.

Sausage – sawing a wise man in half.

The Dandelion crayon color has been discontinued.
Not surprised, I made dandelion wine out of them
and it didn’t taste good at all.

I’d have to be diculous
before I could be ridiculous.

How many Pattys to make a Pattycake?

If you put wheels on a burro
you’d have a real wheelburro.

Well tarnish my gloss.

I used to run caravans cross the Wasabi Desert.
Boy was it was hot !!!

I played insight, then tried outsight.

“Damn you Samuel Daniel” pops into my brain
every time I hear his name of short line rhyme.

It’s hard to unlock a door with a key lime cake.

There’s a new disease hitting vampires
called suckle cell anemia.

My foster foster parents are my real folks.

Tried to charge my fone
but my credit card wouldn’t fit in the charge slot.

Every spring on the farm
I’d wait for the appellation trees to ripen
along the Appalatian Trail.
It was appalling.

Too much surrealism… not enough maamrealism.

– Smith, 9.14.2017

 

conversation with wife #35

Tuesday, August 8th, 2017


my gal is red hot

Conversation with Wife 35

I’m going to bill the webbots to read me.
“What, charge them some electrons?”
Yeah, I’ll say gimme some valence!

“We need sugar, bread, milk.”
Wonder what the offspring of sugar bred milk
would look like?

“I’m addicted to caffeine.”
I’m addicted to cowffeine.
“It makes you MOOOOOve.”

“Paramour is such a strange word.”
I like the single mour rather than a pair a mours
a single lell rather than a pair a lells
a single mount rather than a pair a mounts
a single dice rather than a pair a dice.

How was your 3 mile run?
“I’m weak.”
I’m weekend.
“We’ll have to strengthen you.”

“Where’s my lipstick?”
In my pants?

“I really like Aldi’s.”
I only like some d’s….
small d’s are okay,
but I don’t trust the capital D’s.

Do you think canvas was invented in Kansas?
“No.”
Sure would take a lot to canvas a neighborhood.

“I love pirates.”
If a loan had 3.14% interest, it’d be a pirate.

“Wonder what the origin of the word meat is?”
Some cavemen, after he’d eaten his beastie
said, “Me ate.”

“Sounds like pneumonia.”
More like oldmonia, me being 71 and all.

“We’re quite a pair.”
I’m more apple.
“I’m glad you have a sense of humor.”
I have fifty cents of humor.

Thank you. We’ll be here all week.

– Smith, 8.8.2017


I ear you

 

Marzipan Needs Women

Thursday, June 15th, 2017

Marzipan Needs Women

Back in my day we drank like fish
then we got in the car and drove like fish.

My foot is not a foot
it’s only 10 inches.
How can I have two feet
when I’m 4 inches short?

We have a fowl relationship
she keeps calling me a silly goose.

Live in the city
but need more exercise
so moving to the standy.

We buy cage-free eggs
then lock them in small containers.

I’m serious, Dog Star Sirius.

You know what ghosts seek when things go bad?
Boooooooze.

There’s pee and there’s poo
put em together
you get people.

Knickknack paddywack now the Whack has won.
“We’ll C,” said A to B.

I been advised
to go to Placidville
and do placebos.

You shouldn’t lend stuff
cuz then it’s Lent and you go without.

Look Ma nobody home

I used to catch prerogatives in the pond
and feed them to the mistakes.

Flux em all, then flush.

– Smith, 6.14.2017

~

Conversation with Wife 34

“Aren’t we all one?”
I’m more number two.
“You mean you’re shit?”
Yes, the big shit.
“Aren’t we all.”

“I don’t know.”
We don’t need no, we invest in yes.

“What’s a term for masturbation?”
Beats me.
“Hands solo.”

Smith, 6.15.2017

 

mushroom eyes on acid

Sunday, April 9th, 2017

Lady K came up with 5 pizza/peace/piece/Pete puns today.

All I want is pizza mind.

Give pizza chance.

How do you solve a jigsaw puzzle?
Pizza by pizza.

I like Ringo,
but I lik pizza best.

Take another pizza my heart.

~

Mushroom Eyes on Acid

Dark rises from dark
broods as slow rising light
becomes land and trees against sky
sliced and unsilenced by silhouette
of train on trestle
while a multitude of birds
sing up unseen sun
new spring dawn baring winter’s nip
beneath its ever old promise
of renew

– Smith, 4.9.2017

 

to relieve, one must 1st leave

Tuesday, August 23rd, 2016

blowingsmokeblowing smoke

Minimal List

To relieve, one must first leave

I started out as a prophet
but turned into a loss

We know never enough till too far gone

It’s Taser Nation over all
with liberty and justice revocable

Sentient meat meeting scent of rent

In movies there’s always
a full moon, instant parking, and no horseshit

For sum why I’m still working lie

“Myself am hell” says Satan to the sheep
as he dons his best worsted

Owling at the moon

We have big at our fingers
do so little with it

Don’t judge out loud in print or crowd

Are we many or one? Or none?
I step in truth and scrape it off my shoe

System rigged rotten from top trickle down bottom

This is not an issue
as they say in the magazine trade

I’m a blues singer in a synth band

The man who had the first penis transplant,
did that make his wife an adulteress?

Use natural ass gas, harness the farts

Red White & Boom or read write & bloom?
fix the system, don’t blame the symptoms

Raise sin to sensation, peel feel from ground

One must fight atomic weapons, death rays
and machine mind

Don’t beat a dead hearse

End quote from a dying computer:
All men go to good earth in one eternal silent night

I know I are but what am you?

– Smith, 8.23.2016

gasiscutgas is cut

 

plop Plop PLOp PLOP

Wednesday, January 27th, 2016

spiritlady

Conversation with Wife 21

“You’re going to eat aren’t you?”
Yes.
“When?”
After you go to bed.
“What?”
I don’t know, cold cereal, oatmeal maybe.
“Oatmeal’s good for you, firms your bowels.”
Oh I love bowels
especially church bowels when they play
plop Plop PLOp PLOP plop Plop PLOp PLOP
POOp POOP Poop poop plop PLOp Plop plop

– Smith, 1.27.2016

lipsmacker

 

parachute Buddha

Tuesday, January 19th, 2016

opencallu

Status Report 162

I’m a stand up kind of guy.

What do get when you grow two shoots?
A pairashoot.

Why do they call it a freeway
when it costs so much to drive?

If a nickle is composed of 25% nickle
how much dime is in a dime?

Is Sisyphus a sissy for not putting up a fuss?

Who is Caspar the Friendly Ghost’s spirit leader?
Booodha.

Too much violins in country music
not enough sax.

What did the dishonest bamboo do?
Bamboozled.

Is a chamomile longer than a human mile?

Why call it a highway
when they won’t let you drive stoned?

What condition is the alcoholic bamboo in?
Bamboozed.

Is the Salton Sea near the Pepperoff Sea?

What city tokes the most marijuana?
Tokyo.

I’d walk a chamomile for a camel
wearing a camouflaged camisole

Is this a cluster flux?

– Smith, 1.19.2016

openwifi

 

I hear my bone break

Thursday, January 14th, 2016

category01

Another Smith adventure one wouldn’t wish to have . . . broken kneecap, wrong bus, closed bus stops, walking downtown in leg cast seeking phantom bus, pain increasing, script for pain pills in pocket but no way to get to pharmacy.

But first, an ego commercial.

Medusa’s Kitchen (what a cool name) published 6 fotos and 8 poems of mine yesterday. Once again I’m impressed by Kathy Kieth’s marvelous feel for layout. Poet D.R. Wagner snuck me into the Kitchen last fall, and this is the 3rd time Kathy Kieth’s published me since. May this relationship continue — Medusa’s Kitchen >
http://medusaskitchen.blogspot.com/2016/01/twixt-ape-and-angel.html

I touched the surface of my own leg bone when I was ten (see below), and now 60 years later I hear my kneecap break.

Taking my bicycle down to the basement yesterday, the front tire turned sideways when it reached the floor and jerked to a stop while this jerk kept going and landed left knee on concrete floor. Heard a crisp, sharp CRACK and thought gee that doesn’t sound encouraging, but got up, walked around, everything seemed to work though it did hurt. Spent next few hours trying to ignore what that CRACK had to mean, hoping the famous Smith luck would save me yet again, but knee got bigger and bigger until this morning I went to the ExpressCare. That’s the second time I’ve broken myself one day and waited till the next to go to the doctor. Last time was 1985 when I broke both wrists and elbows doing an art installation – you should have seen me driving myself to the hospital next morning with double breaks in both arms — turning corners and parking were pure hell. Within the week had to change a flat tire in the rain with broken appendages while the car jack kept sinking into the mud – took so long and hurt so bad I broke out laughing at how well the gods got me.

Broke my patella (knee cap). They immobilized my left knee with a cast on which I hobbled three blocks to a bus stop and got on the wrong bus. Got off, found right bus to downtown to catch another bus home. But downtown is all torn up to fix stuff before the Republicans get here for their Presidential convention next year, so I hobbled on my broken knee a couple blocks only to see sign saying “This bus stop was closed 10 months ago due to construction, you idiot.” Wishing I had the crutches waiting at home, I cane my pain leg another two block to where I know my home bus stops, only to find it no longer goes anywhere near there. I’m starting to think I’m in one of those Twilight Zone hell shows, in increasing pain, aware I have a prescription for codeine in my pocket but no way to get to the pharmacy until wife comes home from work hours from now. I walk another two blocks to where the taxis wait, but due to construction, they’re no longer there. Walk more and more and more on broken knee, finally find cab, friendly Algerian driver gets me home for 5 times what my bus costs, but at least I’m home.

Find out more when I go to the doctor Tuesday when they suck some of the swollen blood and juices out with a needle. Internet says six weeks in cast, though some replace the cast with a brace after 2-3 weeks to get rehab started sooner. The bad news is I only went out in the 17 degree cold to buy a billion dollar Powerball lottery ticket, and I got but one number right.

So far have broken at least eight ribs, right hand, right wrist, left wrist, right elbow, left elbow, collar bone, big toe, left knee, and cracked my pelvis . . . there are likely more I’ve forgotten.

As for the time I touched my exposed shin bone 60 years ago — from the memoir:

My biggest and best scar is the six inch curve below my right knee. I ran and jumped a block wall and crashed leg first into the top edge of a second hidden block wall. I got up and had trouble walking, so I sat down and pulled my pants leg up to take a look. My flesh had separated into a six inch open bloodless “V” all the way down to bone. The exposed tibia was pure incredible glowing whiteness in the sun. I was so fascinated that I touched it. I touched my own living skeleton bone with my finger flesh. It felt cool, hard, slick.

eyecircles

 

u kant get there from here, really

Sunday, January 3rd, 2016

greenmoney

You Kant Get There From Here

I used to date three sisters, Snap, Happy, and Pop.
We had a crackling good time.

Simple is complex, easy is hard.

Any time travelers out there,
I’ve got last year’s calendars for sale.

I’m holding out for 2021, a year you can count on.

I used to have a brother and a citrus
but he died and she turned out to be a lemon.

Things change, which changes things.

– Smith, 1.3.2016

emplunk

 

 
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