foto by smith

If every woman would wear refrigerating underwear to cool down their little vaginas, it would help global warming. All these little hot vulvas are just radiating heat into outer space. Plus, probably a whole lot of pheromones, too. There’re probably aliens out there just sniffing around, trying to find out where this is coming from. 

Plus if all these women cooled down their little hot boxes, there’d be less heated men trying to procreate. So there’d be fewer babies born. Fewer babies means fewer dead beefs to feed them. Fewer dead beefs means fewer Amazon forests cut down. So you can see, warm vulvas are a major cause of global warming. ‘Course, that still leaves the hot air produced by politicians and TV talking heads. They should be locked into a room. Let them eat each other. 

I should have a kindergarten, and a grade school, and a high school science course. I’d have a college course, but by that time everybody’d be concentrating too much on the hot vulvas to pay attention. 

Of course, hot vulvas do make nice foot warmers on cold winter days. Other things that are going to have to go are hot wheels, a “hot time in the old town tonight”, hot jazz, people saying, “You’re getting warm,” hot prospects, baseball teams getting hot… But mainly, hot sex. I think this is a hot idea. You can call me Mr. Science… 

One thing we are going to have to keep though, which cannot be touched, is hot coffee. There are some things which are sacred. 

This refrigerating underwear, wouldn’t it take fuel? No, it’d be chemical. Like those little sticks you snap and they mix the chemicals and make cool green fluorescent light at concerts. And there’re other sticks you snap to make heat for ice fishermen. It’s all chemical mixtures. So what I propose is that with the two chemicals we need to make cold, we put one on the panties that are manufactured. And then women can just paint their vaginas after showers with the other chemical. So when they put on the panties, the two chemicals will meet, and voila! We’ll have refrigerated vulvas. Kind of like Swedish Vulvas in the winter. 

We also got to change our terminology. We can’t have “hot” babes anymore. We have to have “cool” babes. For women who can’t afford panties, they can insert ice cubes. Of course they’d have to have little drip pans for catching water. Which can be used of course for making tea. 

Or we could harness this vaginal heat. We could heat brothels with it. Get enough of these women together, you could probably heat hot water. This could, of course, always contribute to heated discussions. Just trying to cover all the angles, or in this case, curves. 

We could also try spraying vaginas with liquid insulation. Which could also be made self-absorbing, so it could serve as a monthly menstrual pad as well. Once a month, the insulation would be cracked off, a new application applied, and the broken red pieces assembled into modern art paintings for the museums. Or bagged, and sold as candy. Artistically, this would be known as the “red” period… 

 – Kathy Ireland Smith & Steven B. Smith, December 27, 2006

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