AMERIKANA

Merv Griffin just died. I don’t suppose you know who he is, do you.

“Actually, isn’t he that game show guy?”

He did Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune. My wife and I were in the audience of his talk show on our honeymoon in ’69. Gypsy Rose Lee showed us her breasts.

When we got home, we kept watching the show. Actually saw ourselves in the audience for the Gypsy Rose Lee episode.

“That’s surreal.”

The talk show would stop for commercials, but Merv Griffin and his guests kept babbling away. And during one of those commercials, she turned to the audience, lifted her top, showed us her breasts.

While we were waiting to get in, a guest from his previous show came out. A real old Eddie Arnold.

“Who’s that?”

He’s from the 40s and 50s, a real pretty country crooner. Had a few crossover hits. As Eddie Arnold in his cane headed for the taxi cab, a fan ran up for the autograph, and Arnold just said, ‘I’m sorry, I’m tired.’ Got in the cab and left.

“How did you guys get into that show?”

We headed to NY for our honeymoon. We saw a play, Cabaret, with Joel Gray and a a female understudy that night. Ate in some famous restaurant. Then went to see a TV show.

“Where’s my honeymoon?”

Somewhere between here and the previous eight, nine countries we visited.

“I guess I can’t complain! How weird. It’s just so weird to think of you in a game show audience.”

I also used to like Andy Williams singing and the Montovanni Orchestra. It’s elevator music. It’s heavy strings.

“Yr an oddball.”

Well, had a lot of bad taste and good taste in me. Cuz I was also listening to Stan Getz and Coleman Hawkins in jazz.

“I don’t know much about Stan Getz.”

He did that one with the Girl from Ipanema.

“Oh, I love that.”

Yes. I thought it was pretty cool, too.

“And Andy Williams?”

Andy Williams was like a pretty Tony Bennett. Very smooth. His girlfriend, Claudine Longette, after they split she killed ski star Spider Sabich.

“Oh, that’s so weird: Spider Sabich. What a name. Andy Williams is a country prototype, isn’t he?”

No, it keeps getting watered down. There’s Bing Crosby, watered down to Perry Como, watered down to Andy Williams. Pretty singing. Tony Bennett has some style, whereas Andy Williams does the same songs, but they’re just smooth.

Both Perry Como and Andy Williams had their own TV shows.

“And didn’t Bing Crosby do some things with Bob Hope?”

All the Road movies. And probably some TV specials.

One of the weirdest things I saw on TV was Bing Crosby doing a duet of Little Drummer Boy with David Bowie! It was a *pretty* duet.

“That would just totally shake me out of my gestalt.”

They were standing on two sides of the piano, very nice number. Off subject, I also saw Frank Sinatra host Elvis’ return from the Army.

Frank sang an Elvis song, Elvis sang a Frank song, then they did some other stuff. I think he was on for 12 minutes and made a hundred thousand dollars for 12 minutes which back in 1960 was a lot of TV money.

“Isn’t Elvis and Sinatra mixing oil and water?”

Same with Bing/Bowie. That’s the whole object of it.

Ah, Nat King Cole – Those Lazy Hazy Crazy Days of Summer. He had a pop hit.

“Get Your Kicks on Route 66! You’re educating me in Amerikana.”

I just have a weird collection of stuff in my head.

“How long was your honeymoon?”

At least two, three nights. We ate at Sardi’s. That’s one of the names back then. Actually, my honeymoon was my second time in New York. The first time, I drove my future mother-in-law and my future wife to a court in NYC, where my wife’s sister was being tried for drug smuggling. All I can remember is the judge letting her off on probation saying she couldn’t go with the guy who she smuggled drugs with. And I remember the New York City traffic. It was horrible.

The first thing the sister did after the trial was marry her drug partner.

“Weird how they think they can dictate your private life.”

That’s what parole is. You can’t associate with felons and stuff, known bad people. When I was on probation for driving drunk, I couldn’t drink, I couldn’t do drugs, and I couldn’t associate with criminals and I couldn’t leave the State. So I did all of it.

“Ah, the criminal class.”

I am NOT a criminal. I’m ‘eccentric.’ Odd, perhaps. A victim of free range thinking.

“You’re free-range, grass fed Smith. The rest of us are corn dogs.”