From Smith’s journals…
9 Dec. 1968
So few pages written, so much has happened. I got good and stoned last night… I had to. I proposed marriage to Robin yesterday… she had me backed into a corner… she broke down in tears and told me she was tired of having only a maybe in the future, that she was tired of sleeping with me, and was tired of our relationship being all me – I sat in my bedroom and thot a lot… decided I did love her as much as I’m capable, that I really couldn’t be happy with any other girl, that I didn’t want to spend my whole life alone, that it would help me financially, and that generally it was the best thing all around – still, it really got to me, the thought of being married, being tied down, of conforming, of maybe having children, being responsible for someone else, buying furniture, clothes, appliances, good god!
What about if I want to trip or smoke a little? What about my parents… I don’t feel that mom really likes Robin… what about not having a ring?… I can’t afford an engagement ring right now… and yet here I am, engaged – and I guess I’m basically pleased with it all. I’m counting heavily on marriage maturing Robin – I’m basically mature, but I still don’t feel adult – I’m 22 going on 23 and about to get married yet I don’t feel adultish. I have a vague fear that marriage is going to smother the part of me that makes me different, tht drives me to write. I wonder if Robin really wants me or just wants to get married because all her friends are getting or have gotten married… she’s only 20, she’ll be 21 4 days after the wedding which is planned for May 24th… and I’ll be 23 – what’s the rush… what is wrong with getting married when you’re 25? Why won’t women wait? If they’re not married by the time they’re 19, they think they’re old maids. I’m sposed to have Janice up tomorrow night – I don’t feel up to it. According to the wall in the men’s room in Sign of the Swan, Moby Dick is not a venereal disease… I’ll wager nothing nothing nothing I quit.