Smith 1990s postcard – foto by Smith

Here’s a comic sexual global warning piece Lady and I collaborated on in the small Adriatic fishing village of Liznjan Croatia in December of 2006. Here’s the rewritten version.


If every woman would wear refrigerating underwear to cool down their little vaginas, it would help global warming. All these little hot vulvas are radiating heat into outer space. Plus a whole lot of pheromones, too. There’re probably aliens out there just sniffing around, trying to find out where this is coming from.

If all these women cooled down their little hot boxes, there’d be less heated men trying to procreate, so there’d be fewer babies born. Fewer babies means fewer dead beefs to feed them. Fewer dead beefs means fewer Amazon forests cut down. So you can see, warm vulvas are a major cause of global warming. Of course, that still leaves the hot air produced by politicians and TV talking heads. They should be locked into a room. Let them eat each other.

Of course, hot vulvas do make nice foot warmers on cold winter days. Other things that are going to have to go are hot wheels, a “hot time in the old town tonight”, hot jazz, people saying, “You’re getting warm,” hot prospects, baseball teams getting hot. But mainly, hot sex. I think this is a hot idea.

One thing we are going to have to keep though, which cannot be touched, is hot coffee. There are some things which are sacred.

This refrigerating underwear, wouldn’t it take fuel? No, it’d be chemical. Like those little sticks you snap to mix the chemicals and make cool green fluorescent light at concerts, or the sticks you snap to make heat for ice fishermen. It’s all chemical mixtures. So what I propose is that with the two chemicals needed to make cold, we put one on the panties that are manufactured, and then women can just paint their vaginas after showers with the other chemical. So when they put on the panties, the two chemicals will meet, and voila! We’ll have refrigerated vulvas. Kind of like Swedish Vulvas in the winter.

We also have to change our terminology. We can’t have “hot” babes anymore. We have to have “cool” babes. For women who can’t afford panties, they can insert ice cubes. Of course they’d have to have little drip pans for catching water, which can then be used of for making tea.

Or we could harness this vaginal heat. We could heat brothels with it. Get enough of these women together, you could probably heat hot water. This could, of course, always contribute to heated discussions. Just trying to cover all the angles, or in this case, curves.

We could also try spraying vaginas with liquid insulation which could also be made self-absorbing, so it could serve as a monthly menstrual pad as well. Once a month, the insulation would be cracked off, a new application applied, and the broken red pieces could be bagged and sold as candy, or assembled into modern art paintings for the museums. Artistically, this would be known as the “red” period.

– Smith and Lady

Target display case – foto by Smith

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