Unhumorous by Smith & Lady
Running on pain, caffeine, and weed
loss, and want, and need
past the winking abyss
and the terror of this
and the stain of the blood in the bleed
Five months ago I tore my bicep loose from my shoulder. Emergency Doctor said it seemed okay but swelling hid my torn muscle deformation.
Weeks later, the swelling started to go down. Then dog Marlowe lunged sideways on a walk after another dog and further damaged the arm. After that reswelling diminished, he did it again. After two months it deflated enough to see that my bicep had slid down to my elbow and was going horizontal rather than vertical.
The Wife and I decided to take Marlowe to a do-it-yourself dog wash. He promptly shit on the floor. I pivoted to retrieve a poo bag from the car and in my quick haste took one step down a two-step stair too fast, caught the non-slip rubber tip of my shoe on the non-slip rubber grip of the step, ran full-force into a wall display and crash landed my side onto the concrete floor.
I sat on the smashed display case holding my upper arm together and told Lady since we were already here, she may as well wash Marlowe before heading to the ER. Meanwhile pain so sudden and extreme I was nauseous and cold sweat broke out, washed down my face and dripped off my nose.
She tried to wash Marlowe, but the tub was too small for an overweight 150 pound Golden Labrador / Mastiff mix, so one broken-bone-no-bath laugh on me.
ER said I’d broken the humerous, three ribs, had lightly lacerated my kidney, and that my arm x-ray showed a rebreak of a recent break that hadn’t healed. X-ray tech was a short, stocky, middle-aged, muscular eastern European woman. She took the sling off my arm for a better picture, then hurried back and in a deep heavy accent said, “Put back on. Arm fall off.”
We laughed. Then I saw the x-ray – top two-thirds of my humerous pointed to 11 o’clock, its shorter shard to 6, the two pieces not even close to touching.
They gave me Fentanyl twice, which didn’t do much due to low dosage. They shot me with Oxycontin, which helped, but not nearly enough. Then they hit me with Dilaudid, which completely vaporizes pain and makes you feel reeaaal good. They put me in the hospital two nights to make sure the kidney wasn’t bleeding, then sent me home.
Two weeks later they cut me open and screwed my bone back together with a metal plate. They gave me a nerve block for the pain. The arm’s dead fleshweight hung uselessly from my shoulder. That night in bed, nine hours after the surgery, I leaned against the dead arm and watched Orphan Black. When I got up I felt wet t-shirt. I asked Lady what it was. She sad soft said, “Blood.”
Blood was all over the sheets, the blanket, and me. We went back to the hospital and sat in the ER four more hours. The 12” bandage had absorbed all the blood it could handle from the stapled incision, but the suture was fine, so they cleaned me up and sent me home.
You’ve no idea how much you use both arms . . . putting on socks, pulling up pants, buckling belt, tying shoes, hugging wife, rolling joint — every lift, turn, push, pull brought fire pain for five months. All of this made worse due to one fresh public pile of dog poo.
I’m 76 years old, old enough to know better, too old for this. My earliest memories are torn bleeding flesh, and they’ve continued life long. I’m 6’ 3” with size 9 feet waaay too small to provide proper foundation. It’s no wonder I’m so clumsy. Moreover, I’m impetuous. I bounce around changing vectors like a hungry quark. My body is aging, less reliable, my magnificent balance fast fading, my flesh weary worn, my brain spewing such mind worms as these . . .
First word of the day
pain
and the last
Things break down
until they stop
I go on
Hoping it’s fine
knowing it’s not
continuing anyway
Pain doesn’t go
life doesn’t stop
whatcha gonna do?
I’m a high-speed
hitting black ice at night kinda guy
and it’s getting old
I have no mouth but scream
– Smith & Lady 10.15.2022