THEY USED TO CALLED ME THE BLUE GOOSE
“Your facial hair is very uneven. Varies from the sides and the bottom,” I tell Smith as I trim his beard.
“That’s cuz I couldn’t afford to buy all the hair at the same time. Had to buy odd lots. Same thing with the penis. I couldn’t afford the whole penis right away, so I just bought the foreskin. So I just had this flap of skin down there, this little skin flute down there. Once, when I went on a date–still couldn’t afford the penis–so I just broke a hot dog in half and stuffed it inside the foreskin. Trouble is, my date performed oral intercourse on me. And I discovered when I got home she’d eaten the hot dog. It’s hell being poor.”
“That’s it. I’m gonna go write this down.”
“You wanna see my penis?”
“Yeah.”
Smith puts his hand in his pocket. Pulls out a blue lighter.
“Ta-dah!”
“Hey!”
“They used to call me the blue goose.”