money for nothing

I’m looking at alternative sources of money since it’s expensive to be poor up here in the Corporate States.

I tried spending a dollar on the lottery and won two – that’s a 200% payoff, but somehow I don’t feel rich.

So I think for serious money I’m going to have to accept one of the crooked bank offers slimy folk from Africa, Hong Kong and London keep emailing me.

Mr.ARWAN IBRAHIM, the manager of Auditing and Accounting section of Bank Of Africa (B.O.A) in Ouagadougou Burkina Faso has fifteen million five hundred thousand dollars he wants me to help him steal from the bank he works for. The owner of the account died along with all his inheritable kin in a plane crash July 31st, 2001.

This same Bank of Africa in Ouagadougou Burkina Faso has eight other of their employees who want me to help them rip off their bank:

Faso’s Dr.Malik Ali – $ 7 SEVEN MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS U.S.A;

Faso’s MR OMAR FELIX BONGO – USD$14.MILLION US DOLLARS ;

Faso’s Mrs Stella Akah has twelve million five hundred thousand;

Faso’s DR HAMED SMANI offers nine million eight hundred United States dollars;

Faso’s Amina Kipkalya Kones tearfully begs me to help move $5.8 USD;

Faso’s Zhang Tiejun – ten million five hundred thousand United States dollar;

Faso’s Mr Mohammed 12,300.000 MILLION USD;

Faso’s MR AHMED SALAMA is the highest with twenty two million seven hundred thousand US dollars, but he’s only offering me 30% of the theft while all the others all promise 40%, so he’s out of the running right away.

All the B.O.A. Faso employees are trying to steal the same account from people who died in the plane crash with all kin. Each offer me a link to the news article describing the crash, so it must be real.

All that these employees need to do this are the name of my bank, my bank account number, and my private telephone and fax numbers. Oh, they also all want my name, which I’d have thought they knew before offering me all this money.

I’m a little confused why the Faso folk’s offers vary from 5.8 million to 22.7 million dollars since they all spring from the same plane crash, but there’s probably an honest explanation for the discrepancy – perhaps the plane’s passengers consisted of nine really rich people who happened to each be traveling with all their relatives.

Once we’re out of Africa, Mrs Sarah Grant just sends me a couple sentences: MY HUSBAND DEPOSITED 7.5 MILLION POUND WITH A BANK, I AM DYING, STAND-IN AS MY BENEFICIARY AND COLLECT THE FUND TO FINANCE CHARITY ORGANIZATION, REPLY TO:

Then there’s Mr. Robert Penman of the World Bank in London who wants to give me $3.5 million to eradicate poverty. I must admit this would definitely help eradicate my poverty.

Mr. Peter T.C. Lee of South Korea needs me to help him transfer large sums of money out of Hong Kong, where there’s also Patrick Chan of the Hang Seng Bank in Hong Kong with $10.5 million that’s stealable, and Chan Lee of BANK OF CHINA, HONG KONG who offers me $17.5 million.

Mr. Charles Nqakula from the South African Communist Party wants my help in investing his stolen money. Makes me wonder what communists are doing with so much money.

My favorite is Mr Elvis, a computer scientist working with Central Bank of Nigeria who says these emails are all a scam, that they’ll never release any money to me, but that all I need to get $15.5 million is an “Anti-drug/terrorist clearance certificate” which he can help me with behind the Nigerian Mafia’s back. I think I trust him the most because he’s admitting he’s a crook stealing from crooks and if there’s honor among thieves he’s the most dishonorable therefore the most trustworthy.

Maybe I’ll take advantage of all of these – it adds up to at least 164.5 million dollars, and my 40% would be 64.8 million minimum, which would at least be enough to get me through Christmas.

It’s good to finally have a financial plan.

My palms itch, I feel rich.