WALKING ON THIN ICE

my me back baby

she keeps singing ‘love shack’ by the b-52s these final few days in the fairy trap fuck shack out back in flower garden lane. bees buzz. we nuzz. times fuzz. tired of doing, almost done.

tell me a story

some folk wonder why kathy’s reading my stories at readings. others assume they’re hers. they’re ours. full blown kathy ireland smith steven b smith collaborations.

Guests

nigh

the end is nigh. reality is isolating us. this afternoon we had two cars. this evening we have one. tomorrow morning none. tonite’s storm or missed fone bill took out the fone, which takes out internet dial-up, which takes out email until we go down to lucky’s coffee shop in the morning for the wireless cyber & caffeine wire. we’re down to the wire – less than 5 days and a little more than 1 suitcase apiece of stuff. see what fits, toss the rest. then get on the plane so we can rest cuz once we’re gone we won’t be doing things to leave and we’ve been doing things to leave since february, mostly things we’ve never done before – all to explore the undone before us. we’ve done done – now we undo done and do undone because yes, we are not bananas, we will not manana delay.

past tents future

i’m being given a present here. i’m being relieved of possessions, place, neighborhood fame, pattern, hibernation, expectations, geography, demographic, friends and enemies… relieved of the temptation to re-run the past, because in 5 days present place becomes past tense when i leave for pagan land with my unblushing bright-mind bride. we’re running away to join the cultural circuit’s spiritual circus, become zen clowns in this court of the absurd.

this is better than a new start or clean slate. we get to take the best parts of the united mutants of smith & her-I-CAN kathy with us and trash the rest. find out who we are without awaiting movie’s end.

my lady brings me poet artist friend companion partner wife adventurer in one with the zen lesson boost of neither place nor possessions. and there’s many mini-kathys within – much to my delight. she’s my own 1940s b&w film noir heroine film festival in flesh and mind. it’ll take me years to unravel. if i don’t unravel first. both long roads to untravel.

trinity

I.

kathy’s stopped wearing her seat belt.  says so what – you don’t wear yours.   i’ve never worn mine, so I’m consistent,- whereas she’s always worn hers, so she’s changing.  says so what, we’ve less than 7 days, we’re not going to crash before we go.

i cringe, glance quickly skyward to see if Giant Hairy Foot is coming down on us. tell her the last few days before the prison break are the most dangerous – that’s when Sky God enjoys playing if he notices you’re getting cocky.  never assume you’re safe until you’re safe – and you’re never safe on this earth until you’re dead – maybe not even then. Sky God sees your guard down and down comes the Sky Foot playing Do The Earth Stomp on your head.

best to sneak out of town.

II.

kathy says i like to run from the law.  not true – each time i ran it was the logical thing to do.  the equation is simple:  get caught by the law versus MAYBE get caught by the law.  that ‘maybe’ offers a whole lot more territory.  10 times running, i got away 9.

III.

while waiting in long xmas line at borders, i leaned over and kissed kathy.  man behind me gasped.  probably thot she was my daughter. since then i’ve tried to look fatherly whenever i fondle her in public.

our age difference unsettles some. they wonder if i’m taking advantage of her, or she me.  kathy joked i was closer to her grandmother’s age than hers… i am 60 – 21 yrs younger than granny, 27 years older than wifey, 4 & 5 years older than mom&dadinlaws.  told kathy if her father hassled me, i’d turn to him and say “yes, young man?”

googled age discrepencies in couples range from anna nicole smith and the rich dead guy (61 yrs difference), tony randall and his mrs (50 years), down thru my own personal standard in relationships, the 26 year gap twixt lauren bacall and humphrey bogart.

i got a humphrey bogart life.

Engineers in Israel

For several years, my Dad’s made frequent trips to Israel to work with a software engineering group there. Each time he goes, I’m extremely concerned for him.

The city they’re in is one of the areas being bombed. Mom sent me some pictures of the software team’s current workspace. They used to work in front of big, shiny windows overlooking the Mediterranean. Now they are in a consolidated workspace in an interior work bay.

Mom notices the ubiquitous water bottles. 

 

do as you would be done

the order of what we are taught affects what we see. what we see affects how we think. how we think affects how we act.

here’s the first twenty-five arabic phrases soldiers are shown before they deploy to iraq:

Stop! / Stop or I will shoot! / Follow our orders / Don’t shoot / Put down your weapon / Move / Come here / Follow me / Stay here / Wait here / Do not move / Stay where you are / Come with me / Take me to / Be quiet / Move slowly / Hands up / Lower your hands / Lie down / Lie on your stomach / Get up / Surrender / You are a prisoner / We must search you / Turn around

not much love here.

in the heisenberg universe, you perceive what you expect, receive what you beget.

so for all of us to suffer less, we should do as we would be done – cuz a bad go-around can really bite you in the ass.

back story

When I was in the country
10, 11 years old
lying in the tall grass
with the sun on me
and the wind whistling
off in the distance
you could hear a dog
barking and a distant
airplane and the drone,
the drone of insects.

I’d have to be 3, 4, 5
somewhere in there
lying half awake half
asleep on the back
seat as my parents
drove the car and
the hum of the motor
and the movement of
the car and the drone
it was magic
plus being so
safe and protected
your parents are up
front and you don’t know
yet that you’re poor,
you’re different.

You’re protected,
magic innocent time,
before human darkness.

On the obverse side of
that
we lived in the country
I went to Freshman Prom
my father was driving us back
my girlfriend and I
were in the back seat
it was dark
and you had the drone
of the car
the cars were louder
then, you moved more
the suspension was
different back in the 50s
we’re on a back
country road pure dark
with the headlights going
down the road
and for the first time ever
I put my left hand on
her breast, I was 12,
she was 13
and just as I touched her breast
my father hit a deer
my brain wouldn’t function
I thought I was just so bad
God had struck a deer or
something

That’s twice I’ve been in
a car that’s struck something,
and twice I’ve been in a car
that’s rolled over.

And two motorcycle crashes.

**
I actually got her
brassiere off for the first time
in her father’s hay loft
after 4H club meeting at their place
she was like 13,
they were so small and firm
it was like true magic,
resilient.

I’ve always liked
that hay barn 4H club father
Norman Rockwell twist

I have a truly strange past

**

My freshman year was the
last in the country
the next year I started
in the city and stealing cars

**
I was also a year early
for all of this because I’d skipped
a grade, 6th grade.
There were three of us
in a two-room school house
1-4 grades in the one room
and 5-8 in the other
so I listened to the 5th grade
lessons and I listened to the 6th
grade lessons and the 7th and 8th
when the year was over
they were closing the school
so they tried to skip all three of us to the
7th grade.
The man/wife teachers actually
lived in a cottage
on the schoolgrounds

Going a mile the other way
was the two-room, white wooden
church
you’re talking Waltons here

My same girlfriend, the 13 year old
was teaching the younger kids
at Sunday school and I ran my
hand up her dress behind her
into her panties
and she just kept on teaching.
I went very fast from the first
touching of her breasts to
trying to get as much
unclothed as possible
so I started kissing and
undressing girls at a very
young age but didn’t lose
my virginity until 17,
which is kinda late for some ppl

**
Pam, I think her name was,
huge breasted person
she’d desperately wanted to have sex
she was a year younger than I was
she was 16
and in retrospect she might
have already been pregnant
she might have been trying
to make me the father
but I was home on first leave
and before I went into the service
she had taken her bra off
showed me her breasts
said she wanted me to have
something to remember
to bring me back
very
effective technique

we’re at my house
my parents are out playing poker
my sister was there
Pam and I are in the bedroom
Pam wants to have sex
I’m scared as hell
never having done it
so I insist that I have to go out
and get a condom
because I’m also scared of getting
someone pregnant
I’d never gotten a condom before
and that was pure torture
coming back
I wanted to make sure I knew how to use them
so I pulled off the road
unzipped my pants,
gave myself an erection
put one on in a trial run
go back and get ready to have sex
in my bedroom,
and my younger sister
starts banging on the door
to irritate us
so I take Pam, get her dressed
take her in the car to where my
parents are playing poker
cuz besides being a bricklayer
my parents are also co-owners
of The House of Mavericks
an antique used stuff store, low end
I ask my parents for the keys
to the store
I take Pam over there
and we have sex in one of
the beds that are for sale
but part-way thru sex,
my first sex ever, which seemed
to be working fine,
the bed collapses, breaks.
The mattress crashes
at an angle, and we finish
having sex, laugh, put it together
give my parents the keys and
go on home.
**

I went off to electronics school
I sent her money back
because we were going to get married
she was banking it
comes Christmas
I’m gonna fly home
use part of the money she’s banked
only there’s no money
and no girlfriend
she was pregnant at the time
we made love
or very soon after
now she was huge in the belly
living with an American Indian
she wasn’t speaking to her parents
and her mom and dad felt so bad
that they flew me home for leave
I had dinner with them
got the whole story
where she was
so I went over to the Indian’s place
she and I went for a walk
and she had this huge, huge
belly
I’d never seen a belly that big
I talked her into that night
letting me take her back to
her parents for dinner so they
could reconcile and after dinner
she and I necked and petted
in the front seat of my car
it was the most erotic thing
to have this big creature of skin,
everywhere
I never saw her again
or her parents

**
My parents had two businesses,
the first was The Misfits, the
second was The House of Mavericks
so you might say my attitude
ran in the family.
They were always trying something
just never seemed to go their way

But we had love, had good times
had a lot of laughter
for a deviant I have a pretty
rich, full childhood
going good in a world that isn’t good
is almost as bad as being a juvenile delinquent.

**
My second sexual experience
was the same leave
I had sex with a second person
at her place
I’d won some Elvis trivia question
on the Radio and won a giant
cardboard cutout of Elvis in his
shooter pose and the local
president of the Elvis Presley
fan club called me saying how
much she wanted it
and I don’t think I ever heard
such a sexy voice in my life
so I found out where she lived
one night
I go over there and
I put Elvis inside her screen door,
rang her bell and left.

I mean, you would fight
for that woman just by her voice.

She invited me back over
for sex.
She was 33, I was 17.
She was large. And her
teeth weren’t very nice
but she was a nice person
and she had a hard life, too.

When I was at the Naval
Academy she sent me nude
pictures of her and I thot that
was nice, friendly sort of mail

There were a couple years with
no sex there after that

Once I got going again
it lasted pretty regular there for a while
until I opted out, quit.

Sex has never been
the major part of my life
but courting has,
romance, the dancing
the chase — always been
real good at that.

Good and poetic in the chase
useless for the long run.
And now I ran from you,
and you got me for the long run.

 – this is a kathy/steve collaboration

To do

(by July 31):