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...and they lived happily ever after. Smith & Lady: poets, artists, photographers & adventurers.
Our relationship was forged to the soundtrack of Yoko Ono's magic,
frenetic, love-laden song, "Walking On Thin Ice." ( play song )

Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

conversation with wife #35

Tuesday, August 8th, 2017

my gal is red hot

Conversation with Wife 35

I’m going to bill the webbots to read me.
“What, charge them some electrons?”
Yeah, I’ll say gimme some valence!

“We need sugar, bread, milk.”
Wonder what the offspring of sugar bred milk
would look like?

“I’m addicted to caffeine.”
I’m addicted to cowffeine.
“It makes you MOOOOOve.”

“Paramour is such a strange word.”
I like the single mour rather than a pair a mours
a single lell rather than a pair a lells
a single mount rather than a pair a mounts
a single dice rather than a pair a dice.

How was your 3 mile run?
“I’m weak.”
I’m weekend.
“We’ll have to strengthen you.”

“Where’s my lipstick?”
In my pants?

“I really like Aldi’s.”
I only like some d’s….
small d’s are okay,
but I don’t trust the capital D’s.

Do you think canvas was invented in Kansas?
Sure would take a lot to canvas a neighborhood.

“I love pirates.”
If a loan had 3.14% interest, it’d be a pirate.

“Wonder what the origin of the word meat is?”
Some cavemen, after he’d eaten his beastie
said, “Me ate.”

“Sounds like pneumonia.”
More like oldmonia, me being 71 and all.

“We’re quite a pair.”
I’m more apple.
“I’m glad you have a sense of humor.”
I have fifty cents of humor.

Thank you. We’ll be here all week.

– Smith, 8.8.2017

I ear you


Marzipan Needs Women

Thursday, June 15th, 2017

Marzipan Needs Women

Back in my day we drank like fish
then we got in the car and drove like fish.

My foot is not a foot
it’s only 10 inches.
How can I have two feet
when I’m 4 inches short?

We have a fowl relationship
she keeps calling me a silly goose.

Live in the city
but need more exercise
so moving to the standy.

We buy cage-free eggs
then lock them in small containers.

I’m serious, Dog Star Sirius.

You know what ghosts seek when things go bad?

There’s pee and there’s poo
put em together
you get people.

Knickknack paddywack now the Whack has won.
“We’ll C,” said A to B.

I been advised
to go to Placidville
and do placebos.

You shouldn’t lend stuff
cuz then it’s Lent and you go without.

Look Ma nobody home

I used to catch prerogatives in the pond
and feed them to the mistakes.

Flux em all, then flush.

– Smith, 6.14.2017


Conversation with Wife 34

“Aren’t we all one?”
I’m more number two.
“You mean you’re shit?”
Yes, the big shit.
“Aren’t we all.”

“I don’t know.”
We don’t need no, we invest in yes.

“What’s a term for masturbation?”
Beats me.
“Hands solo.”

Smith, 6.15.2017


mushroom eyes on acid

Sunday, April 9th, 2017

Lady K came up with 5 pizza/peace/piece/Pete puns today.

All I want is pizza mind.

Give pizza chance.

How do you solve a jigsaw puzzle?
Pizza by pizza.

I like Ringo,
but I lik pizza best.

Take another pizza my heart.


Mushroom Eyes on Acid

Dark rises from dark
broods as slow rising light
becomes land and trees against sky
sliced and unsilenced by silhouette
of train on trestle
while a multitude of birds
sing up unseen sun
new spring dawn baring winter’s nip
beneath its ever old promise
of renew

– Smith, 4.9.2017


to relieve, one must 1st leave

Tuesday, August 23rd, 2016

blowingsmokeblowing smoke

Minimal List

To relieve, one must first leave

I started out as a prophet
but turned into a loss

We know never enough till too far gone

It’s Taser Nation over all
with liberty and justice revocable

Sentient meat meeting scent of rent

In movies there’s always
a full moon, instant parking, and no horseshit

For sum why I’m still working lie

“Myself am hell” says Satan to the sheep
as he dons his best worsted

Owling at the moon

We have big at our fingers
do so little with it

Don’t judge out loud in print or crowd

Are we many or one? Or none?
I step in truth and scrape it off my shoe

System rigged rotten from top trickle down bottom

This is not an issue
as they say in the magazine trade

I’m a blues singer in a synth band

The man who had the first penis transplant,
did that make his wife an adulteress?

Use natural ass gas, harness the farts

Red White & Boom or read write & bloom?
fix the system, don’t blame the symptoms

Raise sin to sensation, peel feel from ground

One must fight atomic weapons, death rays
and machine mind

Don’t beat a dead hearse

End quote from a dying computer:
All men go to good earth in one eternal silent night

I know I are but what am you?

– Smith, 8.23.2016

gasiscutgas is cut


plop Plop PLOp PLOP

Wednesday, January 27th, 2016


Conversation with Wife 21

“You’re going to eat aren’t you?”
After you go to bed.
I don’t know, cold cereal, oatmeal maybe.
“Oatmeal’s good for you, firms your bowels.”
Oh I love bowels
especially church bowels when they play
plop Plop PLOp PLOP plop Plop PLOp PLOP
POOp POOP Poop poop plop PLOp Plop plop

– Smith, 1.27.2016



parachute Buddha

Tuesday, January 19th, 2016


Status Report 162

I’m a stand up kind of guy.

What do get when you grow two shoots?
A pairashoot.

Why do they call it a freeway
when it costs so much to drive?

If a nickle is composed of 25% nickle
how much dime is in a dime?

Is Sisyphus a sissy for not putting up a fuss?

Who is Caspar the Friendly Ghost’s spirit leader?

Too much violins in country music
not enough sax.

What did the dishonest bamboo do?

Is a chamomile longer than a human mile?

Why call it a highway
when they won’t let you drive stoned?

What condition is the alcoholic bamboo in?

Is the Salton Sea near the Pepperoff Sea?

What city tokes the most marijuana?

I’d walk a chamomile for a camel
wearing a camouflaged camisole

Is this a cluster flux?

– Smith, 1.19.2016



I hear my bone break

Thursday, January 14th, 2016


Another Smith adventure one wouldn’t wish to have . . . broken kneecap, wrong bus, closed bus stops, walking downtown in leg cast seeking phantom bus, pain increasing, script for pain pills in pocket but no way to get to pharmacy.

But first, an ego commercial.

Medusa’s Kitchen (what a cool name) published 6 fotos and 8 poems of mine yesterday. Once again I’m impressed by Kathy Kieth’s marvelous feel for layout. Poet D.R. Wagner snuck me into the Kitchen last fall, and this is the 3rd time Kathy Kieth’s published me since. May this relationship continue — Medusa’s Kitchen >

I touched the surface of my own leg bone when I was ten (see below), and now 60 years later I hear my kneecap break.

Taking my bicycle down to the basement yesterday, the front tire turned sideways when it reached the floor and jerked to a stop while this jerk kept going and landed left knee on concrete floor. Heard a crisp, sharp CRACK and thought gee that doesn’t sound encouraging, but got up, walked around, everything seemed to work though it did hurt. Spent next few hours trying to ignore what that CRACK had to mean, hoping the famous Smith luck would save me yet again, but knee got bigger and bigger until this morning I went to the ExpressCare. That’s the second time I’ve broken myself one day and waited till the next to go to the doctor. Last time was 1985 when I broke both wrists and elbows doing an art installation – you should have seen me driving myself to the hospital next morning with double breaks in both arms — turning corners and parking were pure hell. Within the week had to change a flat tire in the rain with broken appendages while the car jack kept sinking into the mud – took so long and hurt so bad I broke out laughing at how well the gods got me.

Broke my patella (knee cap). They immobilized my left knee with a cast on which I hobbled three blocks to a bus stop and got on the wrong bus. Got off, found right bus to downtown to catch another bus home. But downtown is all torn up to fix stuff before the Republicans get here for their Presidential convention next year, so I hobbled on my broken knee a couple blocks only to see sign saying “This bus stop was closed 10 months ago due to construction, you idiot.” Wishing I had the crutches waiting at home, I cane my pain leg another two block to where I know my home bus stops, only to find it no longer goes anywhere near there. I’m starting to think I’m in one of those Twilight Zone hell shows, in increasing pain, aware I have a prescription for codeine in my pocket but no way to get to the pharmacy until wife comes home from work hours from now. I walk another two blocks to where the taxis wait, but due to construction, they’re no longer there. Walk more and more and more on broken knee, finally find cab, friendly Algerian driver gets me home for 5 times what my bus costs, but at least I’m home.

Find out more when I go to the doctor Tuesday when they suck some of the swollen blood and juices out with a needle. Internet says six weeks in cast, though some replace the cast with a brace after 2-3 weeks to get rehab started sooner. The bad news is I only went out in the 17 degree cold to buy a billion dollar Powerball lottery ticket, and I got but one number right.

So far have broken at least eight ribs, right hand, right wrist, left wrist, right elbow, left elbow, collar bone, big toe, left knee, and cracked my pelvis . . . there are likely more I’ve forgotten.

As for the time I touched my exposed shin bone 60 years ago — from the memoir:

My biggest and best scar is the six inch curve below my right knee. I ran and jumped a block wall and crashed leg first into the top edge of a second hidden block wall. I got up and had trouble walking, so I sat down and pulled my pants leg up to take a look. My flesh had separated into a six inch open bloodless “V” all the way down to bone. The exposed tibia was pure incredible glowing whiteness in the sun. I was so fascinated that I touched it. I touched my own living skeleton bone with my finger flesh. It felt cool, hard, slick.



u kant get there from here, really

Sunday, January 3rd, 2016


You Kant Get There From Here

I used to date three sisters, Snap, Happy, and Pop.
We had a crackling good time.

Simple is complex, easy is hard.

Any time travelers out there,
I’ve got last year’s calendars for sale.

I’m holding out for 2021, a year you can count on.

I used to have a brother and a citrus
but he died and she turned out to be a lemon.

Things change, which changes things.

– Smith, 1.3.2016



still petaling on

Sunday, December 20th, 2015


Status Report 143

Isn’t Lactations a book in the Old Testicle?

I’m so out of it I thought black Friday
was the character in “Robinson Crusoe.”

What do you call inferior parsnips? – Subpar snips

Went to buy a new penis, but didn’t know whether
to look in the hardware department or software section.

I like to read Rumi with a view.

How come it’s always peacocks and never poococks?
Cuz cocks pee, don’t poo.

Are you on drugs? – No, just marijuana.

I may have lost most of my feathers
but I’m still petaling on.

Rulers are meant to be broken.

Looking for the light
is like the mirror looking for its surface.

What country do bees come from? – The Polli Nation.

Of course I’m stoned
I’m the son of a stone mason.

– Smith, 12.20.2015



full eye spider dog star sirius

Friday, November 6th, 2015


I am my bee-suit Lady’s suitor

Conversation with Wife 15

The Old Testicle sez the eye is never full.

“What does that mean?”

It means one can never fill one’s full desires
because the eye can never be satisfied

“What’s your desire?

For a full eye.

“What’s full eye?”

There’s the small i, the capital I, the individual I, the 3rd eye,
red eye, private eye, eye of storm, and finally, full eye.

Speaking of which, spinning cellar spider inside out door
spidereyes me each time we leave, we need to name her.

“Okay, Mz Tittynipple.”

Ooooh, sounds veddy British, like watching Chewy, Drooly, & Gooey,
The Three Oozes, on TV back in the 1950’s.

“I don’t know how to answer your silly statements.”

They are not silly statements, these are serious inquiries,
Dog Star Sirius!

“Well I’m glad you’re so patient with me.”

What, are we playing Doctor?

– Smith, 11.6.2015


working on the green line



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